Chapter 1

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March 15,

Have you ever thought about what your younger self would think about what your life's become? What would that innocent little mind think of all this? Would they look up to you and be proud of what you've become? For me, when I was younger, I'd put my arms in my shirt and tell people I lost my arms and restart the video game whenever I knew I was going to lose. I slept with all my stuffed animals, so none of them got offended. I had that one pen that had 4 colors, and I tried to push all the buttons at once, and I would pour soda into its cap so I could act like I was taking shots. I would fake being asleep, so my dad would carry me to bed and was convinced that the moon followed my car, and I would watch two drops of rain roll down the window and pretend it was a race. I used to sing in the shower, and now that's where I make all my life decisions. Now, a bruised knee heals better than a broken heart. I don't know what the hell I thought when I wanted to grow up.

I would always tell my parents when I grow up, I'm going to do this and that and like every other parent, they would always smile at me and tell me that they bet I would. But my father would always make up these elaborate stories about how I was going to the president or the world's most reliable lawyer, or doctor, or astronaut. My father gave me the greatest gift anyone could ever give another person. He believed in me. He believed in me, and he was the best person in my eyes, and no one could change how I saw him. But they could take him away. And they did. My superhero seized to exist anymore, and I was forced to grow up into a person who wouldn't become a lawyer, astronaut, or a doctor. My mom fell into a deep depression, leaving me to care for my 6-year-old sister, Grace, and myself. It was hard and hurt so bad. It was the kind of heartache you felt in your bones.

I took over and raised my sister and myself, and when high school came along, there was this guy. Adam. He came into my life at a time when I needed someone, and I fell for him instantly. It was like nothing else mattered when I was with him. He was a junior, and our relationship was known threw out the whole school, considering I was only a freshman. I thought I loved him, but I was young and stupid, and that got me in trouble. He would always talk to me about things like sex and how he wanted me to stop being so modest around him. At first, it bothered me, and I would get uncomfortable, and he would get mad at me and accuse me of not loving him. But there was this little voice in my head telling me that I needed him to love me, and I needed to love him back. So I gave in and let him do what he wanted. I don't know what changed my mind, but one day, after we had been dating for about a year, I was just so sick of him using me and my body that I went to him and told him I wanted to break up.

He seemed to be calm as he soaked in what I told him and just walked away from me. I thought that was it. That he was going to ignore me for a long time and then I don't know, find someone else maybe. But late that same night, he came into my room and started beating me. He told me that if I ever told anyone, it would be worse next time. And that's how it all started. That's when he started a rumor around school, labeling me as the biggest slut. He still came to my room late at night and would hit me when I wouldn't let him do what he wanted with me.

I didn't let mom or Grace know what was going on and just kept to myself. And then one day a few weeks ago, mom said she got a huge promotion from the hospital she works at and that we are moving to California. I was mad at her for being so willing to leave because this is where I was born. Where Grace was born, where we grew up, where dad died. My whole life was here, and she just wants to pack everything up and leave.

But then I realized moving to a different state means a new school. A new school means new people and new people means a new me. I decided that I wasn't going to say anything to anyone, so when it came time for me to leave, I would just disappear. No one would even care, except my best friend, Morgan. We've been best friends since birth, and she hasn't left my side, even after everything I've been through. So, even though leaving meant leaving Morgan, I still agreed.

So yeah, that's been my life. Now, I'm driving to California with Grace asleep in the seat next to me, the radio blazing. The sun is just starting to come up as it shines against the horizon. I pull in the driveway and shake Grace.

"Wake up," I say as I turn the car off and take the keys out of the ignition.

She stirs, as I get out of the car to stretch my stiff limbs. It's beautiful outside, with blue skies and a cool breeze. I turn and open the back door to grab a few boxes. Grace gets out and walks up the lawn to the door with me following behind her. The door is open since mom had flown in earlier so she could get a head start on the new job. We walk in, and the large modern home is already fully furnished. Mom had hired all these people to provide the house with brand-new furniture. They even painted the walls and stocked the fridge.

Grace is smiling at everything, and I roll my eyes at her, "Come on, let's find our rooms," I say, and then she runs up the stairs.

I readjust the boxes I'm holding and follow her upstairs, where she is shouting, "I found your room, Aubrie!" I walk down the upstairs hall and to the room with the open door. Grace is running over to the farthest wall where there is a balcony, "Wow! I want a balcony in my room!" She shouts as she goes out and spins around in a circle. I sigh and set the boxes down on my bed. There is a huge walk-in closet that is full of brand-new clothes and a bathroom right in my room. Grace has run out, shouting about finding her bedroom.

I smile at my sister and go back to my bed and move the boxes to the floor. I pull my hair into a quick ponytail and then lay on my bed and grab my phone. I had just got a new one, and I have absolutely nothing on it yet. I go and download a few apps and make a few new social media accounts. I add Grace's number to my contacts along with Morgan's and mom's cell and the phone number of the hospital she works at. I sigh and then throw the phone to the end of my bed and then sit up and grab a box. I look in and grab a handful of pictures and start to sort through them, making two piles. One that is full of pictures from after dad died, and the other is from before he died.

After I've gone threw all the pictures, I grab the pile that is from after dad's death and go downstairs and toward the backyard. There is a small metal fire pit that has a few chairs surrounding it. I go sit down and start a fire. I watch as the orange-y, red light as I sit forward and throw a few pictures in the pit. I watch as it eats away at the glossy paper. I throw a few more in and take a shaky breath.

I don't know why this is so hard. This should be easy, right? Throwing away all the bad things in my life. But for some reason, it's not. I throw the whole pile in, getting it over with. The pictures turn to ash, and so do the memories.

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(Pictured above = Katniss' living room)

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