Terror By Night

Chapter 24

I drop down to sit cross legged and huff a few times. I close my eyes and mentally go to my happy place. A warm beach, sun shining, soft breeze blowing across my face. I love the beach. The sound of the ocean waves lapping the shore. I breathe calmly, letting the anger dissipate. What remains is hurt and confusion. Now that the anger has passed, the tears puddle in my eyes. I sniff and look around my little one-person tent. He's probably been sleeping in a nice big warm bed in a big comfortable warm room provided by the government, not losing one nights sleep worrying about me. No! I shake my head. I can't become bitter or jaded. I honestly have no idea where he's been or what he's been doing. I know he cares, and I know he loves me. He obviously was somewhat concerned about my safety if he went through the trouble of having someone spy, I mean 'watch' out for me.

I have so many questions and Xavier's the only one who can answer them. But I don't think I'm ready to face him just yet. For some strange reason, I'm more hurt by his act of deception than my fathers. Even though my dad lied about his job, he probably didn't have much choice. From what I understand about the government, they like their secrets and few family members ever know the full truth in regard to their loved ones actual responsibilities. It makes more sense now why he kept so many things from me. Even why he chose to give me over into my grandparents care.

But Xavier? Why, all this time, did he never say anything to us? To me? We've been living together, growing close like a family for weeks, all while he kept right on pretending he was here by accident. Well, maybe not the last part. When I think about how he suddenly became interested in our group, back before evacuation day, it's clear why he was sticking around us. I could never understand before, why he had spontaneously joined our trio. Then he never left. I get it now. And I don't like it. Since then, all the while he's been here, he could've said something.

I swipe at tears that have leaked from my eyes. I'll get my emotions under control and go to face the others. I reach for a clean shirt and my hand brushes against something hard. Grandma Jean's Bible. I pick it up and turn to the last place we were reading from in our nightly devotions. Those devotions have kept up our hopes, kept us from losing our way. We take turns reading scripture, discussing what each one of us feels that particle scripture is saying to us and how to apply it, then we pray as a group. Our devotions have meant more to me than words can fully explain. We have learned how to allow God to be relevant and present in our lives, even in this dark place. We've grown to trust one another with our thoughts and feelings. We've opened up to one another. Or so I thought. How could he have sat facing me, night after night, with so much deception between us? How could he look me in the eye with what I believed to be sincerity, when the whole time his very role was a facade? Those devotions had been what kept me grounded, what kept me from giving up. I thought it had been the same of all the others. His had been nothing but an act. I shut the Bible more forcibly than I should.

Irritation is blooming once more in my chest. It's more than irritation. There's a pain in my heart. Xavier clearly kept things well concealed from the rest of us. I don't want to go back to not trusting him. I don't want to feel as though I can't depend on him. But how can I not when he's kept so many things from me? It's as though I'm starting all over again, not knowing who he is or where I stand with him. But it's so much worse now. I didn't know him at all before, not really. We didn't have much history between us. Now, with three months of life and surviving together under our belts, I thought I knew him. I believed we'd connected. We had forged a relationship. But all of it has been stripped away from me. I feel the loss of it keenly.

I look down at the worn leather cover in my hands. I can almost hear my grandmother's words. "What does the Word say about that?"

Any time I had a question, she would answer me that way. I admit, I used to get frustrated with her when she would ask me that. I'd think, 'How could the Bible have answers for every question?' Since we've been doing the nightly devotions, I've been surprised by the simple truths that can apply in so many different areas of my life. Maybe the answer isn't clear at first, but I've been learning that there are answers if someone takes the time to look for them. It's exactly what my grandmother had been trying to teach me. I know that she'd be proud I've continued our devotions with my new little family here. It's partly why I started doing them. I wanted to keep a piece of home alive. But I also needed them, more than I realized. I had taken them for granted back home. I realized soon into my stay here, I needed to read words of hope, love, and grace. I needed the help. I needed to find strength. I've gained all that and more. I've learned to depend on the Bible to be my compass.