I can't sleep.
Lately, I never can. I want to sleep to avoid my problems, yet my problems are the thing that keep me up.
Sometimes I wish the world would just pause. Not stop, just pause. I just need some time to catch up. Everything is going so fast, it feels like I could get whiplash from how fast it's moving.
I wish I was in that movie Click. The one with Adam Sandler. Can't he pause the world whenever he wants to? That's a badass power to have.
Fuck the universe for not making me that character in that movie portrayed by Adam fucking Sandler.
What a guy.
See, that's the stuff that keeps me up at night. The fact that I feel like I'm suffocating from all the stress, and the fact that I fantasize about being in movies played by old balding men.
The only person who knows how hopeless I feel all the time is Jordan. He was the first person who really listened, and understood what I was going through.
I remember being in our sophomore year of highschool, sobbing in the middle of his childhood bedroom. I was mad. I was so mad. It was the first time I felt truly helpless. Like I was drowning, and everything around me was breathing fine. Some form of self torture.
And I thought it was all my fault. So I sat in the middle of Jordan's room, and screamed at the top of my lungs. I screamed and threw pillows and smashed his favorite candle.
I apologized profusely for the candle part, but he assured me that it was running out of wax anyways.
Point being, Jordan has always been there for me. He was there for me from the very start. If I needed him, he was there.
Yet, on the nights when I'm alone, it sucks. I get lost in my dark thoughts and find it almost impossible to shut them off. The only distraction I can manage is making grilled cheese sandwiches. And even then it's difficult to fall asleep.
Which leads me to now.
Laying in my bed, thinking about everything that's inevitably wrong with my life. The past, present, future.
And Calum. I can't stop thinking about Calum. Which is totally stupid and potentially clingy, but my brain won't stop replaying our interaction. It was brief but it made my shitty night a whole lot better.
That doesn't happen often. It's rare that I talk to someone who doesn't make me anxious, or annoyed. He made me feel temporarily happy.
Temporarily.
So here I am, wide awake in the middle of the night daydreaming about a famous boy who will never contact me again. This reminds me of my fan girl days. I used to cry over Harry Styles and 5sos.
Calum did give me his number too, but I don't want to be that annoying clingy random who comes off as desperate. If he really wanted to keep in contact with me, he will.
He's probably just sleeping anyways. My silly ass is really waiting for a stupid text that'll drag me out of my own thoughts.
I have to stop thinking about it.
He's never going to text me, or contact me. He probably just wanted my number for a future booty call. Even though I wouldn't peg Calum as that kind of guy.
But hey, boys have needs. Maybe he was hoping I'd satisfy them at some point. Though that wouldn't make sense as to why he seemed so interested.
My stupid brain won't shut the fuck up.
