"YOU CAN BE SMART AND an all straight A-s student but that means nothing if you're street stupid!," you yell while driving, your high intonations of specific words making me shrink deeper into the passenger seat.
"Vanessa will come and surpass you in life even though she's clearly dumb. But at least that girl knows how to wash a cup. She'll be way better than you if you don't change that stinking attitude of yours!"
You made a loud beep as a car overtook us. Looking through the window, I saw that it was a man.
"Stupid asshole," you flashed him the middle finger, "he's probably been drinking the whole night or is on fucking drugs."
I wished at that moment that I could cover my ears to block off all the insults that followed.
After you finished badmouthing him like there was no tomorrow, you said, "If you ever end up like your sister I will kick you out of my house do you understand me?!" your voice was laced with peevishness and disgust.
My heart stopped when you banged your hand against the steering wheel, causing me to face you.
"I've asked you a question," you drawled condescendingly, "Do. You. Understand. Me?"
"Yes," I whispered quietly, a tear involuntarily falling down my left cheek. I don't recall doing anything wrong. Why were you lecturing me? Why did you have to be so loud and derogatory?
"This is what I'm talking about. If you want to live in this world you should learn to speak the fuck up! I mean, it looks like you came from Jupiter, like you're an alien or something. You're so fucking quiet and you need to snap out of it. Understand me?" you banged your palm on the steering wheel once again, more loudly this time.
"Know what's happening around you. Don't look so stupid," you made a right turn onto the murram road. We were nearing our destination. Just a few more minutes and it will be over. Temporarily, of course.
"You're always in that little head of yours. Do you really expect to be a doctor?"
My heart sank.
"You're such an entitled and ungrateful brat!" the path was rocky and you were going so fast I wondered if you were paying any attention to the road, or if you would get us killed. "And don't you for one second think I'll hesitate to chase you out of my house!"
"Parents nowadays watch their children die and they feel nothing! So don't ever think that I won't bury you and move on with my life," you said, your voice as cold as ice.
Snorting derisively to yourself you added, "My own children will be the end of me. I wish I never gave birth to you. Such a fucking disappointment."
Thankfully we had reached our destination.
Church.
You lowered your window and spoke very politely to the security guard, all the anger and bitterness that had been laced in your voice dissipating as if it were never even there.
After the brief security check, I needed to get out of the car as fast as possible.
"I don't know what kind of demon possessed you peo..." I opened the car door while we neared the packing space and jumped out. The door closed just as I caught the string of profanities falling from your mouth. I scurried away into the crowd of people arriving at Church. I couldn't handle anymore of it. I left you talking to yourself.
My head was pounding from all the yelling and I could feel different emotions conjuring from within. They were beating against my skull scraping away at my mind like a train against a pair of rusty tracks.
I needed to control them.
Standing inside the stall in the ladies' bathroom, I exhaled heavily but silently, as if the weight of the world was on my shoulders. I had to control my breathing and swallow all those feelings of dejection that were threatening to sprout.
Squeezing my eyes shut, I tried concentrating on the wall around my heart, imagining each brick being laid and blocking some of the raw feelings out.
Everyday around you felt like chaos. Everything set you off.
I longed for the warmth of a parent. However tenuous it might've been.
As I continued standing there, I didn't realize it at the time.
But my soul was freezing.
• • • several years ago • • •
Your grip on my hand was tight as we navigated through the busy streets of Nairobi town.
I looked up at you and reflexively shielded my eyes from the undaunted midday sun which was high up in the sky, as if threatening to burn my eyes. Sweat dribbled down my forehead as a result of the hotness.
"Where are we going mama?" I asked. We hadn't even walked for long but the heat from the matatu that we came in and all around heat was draining. I was exhausted.
"Relax Ellie, we're almost there," you said, as I struggled to keep up with your pace.
You were right because soon enough we entered a building that looked like it had been standing for quite sometime. The inside was beautiful though. There were empty chairs near the door and a comfortable looking desk right across the room.
I also noticed that several artistic items were hanging on the walls and the floor had a thick red carpet that made your feet feel cozy.
"Okay," you sat me on one of the chairs in the waiting area, "sit here while mommy speaks to the receptionist."
"But mommy I-" I interrupted as I sensed the urgency in your voice. Something wasn't right. I could feel it.
"I'll be back soon okay? Look," you said pointing to a woman who was busy scrolling through her phone, "she's right there and you can see me."
I still didn't want to let go of you but you loosened my grip and walked towards the woman.
I could hear the sound of you conversing but I couldn't understand what you were saying.
After a while, you came back and I was relieved that we were finally leaving. I wanted to go home despite the coziness of the space.
You stopped me while I was standing up and handed me the back pack, putting it right next to me.
"Mommy needs you to wait here okay? Your father is inside that room," you pointed towards a beige door on the receptionist's left, "and he'll be here to get you soon."
"No. Please don't leave me here mama," I started crying, "I want to go home with you."
I couldn't stop you from leaving despite my efforts.
I cried so hard until I think I cried all the tears that I was capable of crying.
I eventually fell asleep after a while and got startled awake by the movement of a chair minutes later.
The secretary must have realized that it was getting late. She kept eyeing me probably trying to figure out what my deal was. Soon enough, she entered the beige door after knocking.
I heard a male voice on the other side of that door which made me feel somewhat relieved. My father was truly there, he was probably busy trying to finish his work before he came and got me. The thought of that made me relax a bit.
Minutes after, the secretary left the room and closed the door behind her. She grabbed her bag and keys and headed towards the exit, sparing one last look at me.
I hadn't left that chair since you asked me not to hours ago.
I waited for dad to come get me and take me home.
I waited.
And waited.
He never showed.
