YOU'VE ALWAYS HATED ME. I'VE felt your coldness and disapproval since the day I was born. Nothing I did was ever good enough. No matter how hard I tried, you were always berating me and questioning my actions.
Yelling. There was so much yelling. In the car while we were on our way to church, at home, at family events, you never shut the fuck up.
So much distaste. So much animosity.
I didn't know how to talk back or defend myself while you screamed obscenities at me and tore into me like a rabid dog. I was trapped inside my own body as your words cut through me like knife on butter.
You called me worthless, stupid, a broken down Toyota in a world full of Land Rovers, a whore.
And every time a piece of me would die a little bit inside: my heart would turn cold and grow darker. I mean, I stood there, completely defenceless, while you threw things at me, and did nothing. Hence it was inevitable, I was bound to get fucked up one way or another.
You made me believe that I was worthless. That I'd never amount to anything. You were the one who shattered the dreams which once used to rattle inside my lungs like cracked porcelain.
You reveled over the fact that you had power over me. I had nowhere else to go. You fed me, clothed me, sheltered me. I wouldn't be able to survive without you. I needed you. And you knew that.
I didn't have a choice but to stay.
All the remarks about how lazy and worthless I was had gotten old and redundant, but still stung every time they hit me. I just wanted to please you. I wanted you to accept me and love me. I desperately needed your approval and validation.
After all,
I was only a little girl.
