I WAS STOOD OUTSIDE THE building. It was around 7 in the p.m.
I left home in such a hurry. God, I was infuriated.
My blue DENRI bag pack was on my shoulder as I decided to seat outside the far left corner of the building, with the bus blocking me from viewing anyone who was entering or leaving or hanging around outside.
They trashed our house. Turned everything completely upside down. My bed at home was broken. I didn't even sleep well last night. I couldn't.
It was a game of ego. A stupid game that two adults decided to indulge in not caring about who they hurt in the process. I had become so used to being the brunt of my mother's thoughtlessness but it was still surprisingly draining. How could anyone possibly function. It was too much. It was always too much. For once, I needed to feel safe to be myself and live my life.
I was at the "smoking area". It's almost comical that I can't ever seem to get a break. I giggled contemptuously.
"Hey girl, what are you doing here? Kora startled me, "Is everything okay?"
"Yea," I mumbled clearing my throat and trying to hold myself together, "I just needed some air."
"I hope you're ready to get lit cause I have a whole bottle of liquor and no one to drink it with," she said, eyeing me mischievously.
This might actually be just what I need, I thought. "Bro I'm glad I need to take some edge off for sure."
"So, do you wanna go back inside?"
We headed upstairs, and somehow our other friends joined us. Daniel, Andrew, and Lulu.
I was such a lightweight. I wasn't used to drinking or smoking so whenever I did drink, I'd get wasted faster and by only a small amount of alcohol. I was a newbie at all this. A part of me wished I had discovered alcohol and weed sooner.
I wanted to temporarily forget my problems that always seem to cling onto me like leeches on a fresh blooded body.
It was unsuccessful, because the more shots I took the more I felt depressed. I had missed you. I wanted to see you. I wanted you to tell me that things will be okay. My mental health had taken a turn for the worst again and I needed you.
I made my way to the elevator. I could feel the smile spread across my face at the mere thought of you. Being with you made everything easier. Nothing seemed that bad when I knew you were waiting for me at the end of it.
I headed to your apartment in a drunken frenzy and knocked on your door. I later found out that my knocks were very loud. I could hear the loud music playing through the speakers. The stupid door was in the way of me touching you and hugging you and making me feel better. No wonder I felt like I needed to break it down.
I knocked again louder and I think that you heard because you lowered the volume. I waited for you to open.
But you didn't.
I figured that you weren't expecting my company so I drunk texted you instead.
Heyy it's me knocking on your door pleas open up
No response
Well, I juat wantwd to say yhat I love you.
I went back to my room and sunk into my sofa.
*text notification*
I can't believe you did that. What were you thinking?
You must have referred to my loud knocking and banging on your door.
I'm sorry I just needed to see you
We're over.
Wait, WHAT
No, wdym we're over
We weren't dating were we?
I stayed still for a second, staring at your text. Trying to process everything. I reread the text over and over again. My drunken state couldn't understand any of it.
You were right, when I thought about it, you never asked me to be your girl and I never said yes. You told me that you really liked me. You kept saying that I made you happy. It looked like you genuinely enjoyed my company. We slept together. Showered together. Had sex together. But, were we dating? I never really thought about it.
My throat was parched. I reached a trembling hand towards my water bottle. I felt like shit.
The faucet to my eyes opened as all the pent up anger and stress inside of me finally manifested. I felt so empty like my guts have been sucked out and I'm left with nothing inside. I felt alone.
My heart was broken.
I threw my phone on my table and continued letting all my pain out through my tears.
I needed you but you weren't there.
I wish I learnt my lesson. Because this was the first strike in the downward spiral of our relationship.
This was
Strike one.
