i wear your t-shirts, i write u poetry
u make me pancakes, u take me swimming
but we're not in love, right?
i watch my friends fall in love
and i yearn for something like that
but i'm not sure where to even begin.
and you're my friend but it's different.
i like you the way i'm not supposed to like you,
i want to hold your hand in a way that means more than just holding your hand.
i don't want to be your best friend.
i wanna go to heaven,
but i like you the way i shouldn't and
does that make me selfish?
a reverie:
i don't tell you about the dreams
the ones where we live
in the rose-pink light of dawn
and the air tastes like cotton candy;
where every step you take
you leave a trail of stardust in your wake
i don't tell you about these things
because you wouldn't understand.
a memory:
a california summer
the sky is the color of a shattered ink pot
cicadas sing a song in the empty sunflower field where we lay
on top of your car, stargazing
i said what do you know about constellations?
and you started naming them one by one,
recounting the mythologies behind each legendary figure. at some point i think you just started making them up. nonetheless, i held on to every word.
at some point you took my hand in yours and guided it towards the stars, forming shapes out of listless beams of light. i wanted to kiss you so bad.
i think in some other parallel universe i would've kissed you. instead i just stared at you like a damn fool. your hair, your eyes, your freckles. i told you that i really liked you and you said don't play.
i whispered that i loved you
from the moment i'd met you
and you pretended not to hear it.
i was crying and the tears tasted like honey.
a terrible embarrassment:
you take me stargazing in a sunflower field
i cry and stain your favorite sweatshirt
you say it's ok but i know you don't mean it
i guess it's not really considered classified anymore,
but i haven't really told anyone but you.
i was crazy in love with you
but you found nothing to love in me.
i'm sorry.
i was spinning in circles yearning for someone that doesn't exist. now i've told you a secret that we both have to keep forever. i love you- does that make me selfish?
gardenia - secret love
