The Foreigner

Chapter 22

In the end I followed Thompson's advice. I sought out an analyst in Philadelphia to understand what happened to me. I spend a few days in the City of Brotherly Love to air my mind.

And here I am lying on the couch, telling the specialist all the experiences I had with Heidi and the possibility that all of that was just an illusion.

-It seems that you suffered a psychotic break -he pontificates -probably triggered by the stress caused by the death of your wife.

-But could I have hallucinations as real as the ones I had? I touched her ... I felt her. - I gesture with my hands to emphasize what I say.

-The question is what the brain considers real. For example, there are dreams so realistic that we only realize they are dreams when we wake up.

-That is, did my brain create a virtual reality? - interrupt him.

-Yes, that could have happened. But I cannot give a definitive diagnosis. What I can suggest is that the figure of this girl is the projection of guilt that you would have in relation to your wife and daughter.

-Do you also think I'm going crazy? That I might need a psychiatrist?

-No. Usually crazy people don't ask that question. You may not need psychiatric help, but it would be good to do some assessments.

I agree with him.

***

The launch of my new book The Foreigner in Chicago has been a success. The bookstore is packed and in front of my table there is a huge line of people waiting for me to sign their copies.

I haven't had that experience in a long time and I'm feeling happy about it.

All kinds of people, of all ages, arrive. The dedications are for themselves, for husbands, wives, sons, daughters, boyfriends, girlfriends...

I stop for a minute to speak to my editor who is beside me. When I turn to the front, I come across a copy being held by a very familiar female hand. The thumbnail is painted with black enamel that I know well. I look at the other hand, which rests on the table. One of your rings has a pentagram. Just like Heidi's. I am paralyzed for a brief moment. As I look up I see a rock T-shirt wearing a thin, delicate body, dark hair with blond tips spread over the shoulders. The face is very beautiful and youthful, despite the dark makeup. But my expectation fades. It's not her.

-It's for me, please. - says the soft voice.

-Sure. What's your name?

-Holly.

I Autograph. - Good reading. - I wish her.

-Thanks. -I follow her with my eyes as she moves away. However, one more book extended to me makes me turn my attention back to what I was doing, signing and signing.

When I look back, she's already gone.

***

Back on Cape May, I find myself looking out my bedroom window at the house next door, remembering the first time I saw Heidi there in that room, with her boyfriend.

But soon the new resident realizes that I am looking and is startled. The husband roughly closes the curtain.

I have to accept that I will never see her again. It was all in my mind. In time I will forget it.

Lying on the bed, an image of Heidi sitting on the sofa at her house while we drank and talked came to me. She was so radiant. Somehow there I already knew that I would not forget that image.

I have a peaceful night's sleep and in the morning I follow my routine. I have coffee on the balcony and I read the newspaper. I respond to Thompson's good morning. Everything is in its proper place. My personal and professional lives are going very well.

I go to the mailbox. I pick up the mail and go home. I place them on the kitchen counter with other letters that were already there to check everything together later. But something catches my eye. I pick up one of the letters that was previously there. I can't believe what I'm seeing. The recipient field reads HEIDI ZEIGERS. And there are several others with the same in me. How come? No, it can't be.

Confused, I run up to my room. I need to check if something is there. And it is. On my desk. The ring with the skull she had left there when she first read my book. I picked it up and swallowed it close to my eyes.

-Yes. She was here - I say to myself.