When Darkness Burns

:Chapter 12:

*Farley*

It's been a wonderful few months since that night out at the bar, and I've noticed that, like I had predicted, Xander and Alucard have indeed become decent friends, or at the least, are being decently civil. Over the course of 2 months, they started to hang out without me even being there, and Alucard trust me to be alone with him, so long as I send a mental check in with him every so often. Tonight was a very beautiful night, the sky was clear, and the moon was at its fullest. I had chosen to wear a brown skater dress that Alucard had made for me. It was beautiful, and I absolutely loved it with the little gold leaves he sew in and the matching green turtleneck he bought to go with it. By the time I was done getting ready, I looked like I was in a  cottagecore costume. I gave a giggle at my appearance, but brushed it off. I finish up on my make up, and Alucard sees my appearance, and raised a brow.

" Where are you going looking like that? A medieval festival?" 

" Oh, ha ha, very funny. No, I'm going to go hang out with Xander for a little bit. He's in town and bored so I figured I'd give him company. Integra said she needs you to stay here and whatnot in case a mission comes up." 

" I understand. You have fun, just not too much fun." 

" Oh, I know. I'll check in with you around 9."

" Promise?" 

" With my very life." 

I gave him a kiss, and I left feeling very pleased that he trusts me like this. I sent a text to Xander telling him I was on my way. I got outside, took a running start, and turned myself into a swarm of bats, and flew like this until I saw a lone blond in the middle of a field overlooking the cliff side. Xander wanted to go for a walk on the beach, and so when I checked the area, and saw no one else was around, I flew down, spiraling around him before landing, his look of annoyance making me laugh, his glasses having gone askew. 

" I'm glad you're laughing, woman. Damn near gave me a fucking heart attack." 

" Oh, please. Big bad hunter like you scared of little old me?" 

" Listen, you are Alucard's bride, and I know how crazy you can get. If I didn't have a slight bit of fear, I'd be stupid." 

" Fair enough." 

" By the way, the hell are you wearing?" 

" What? I like this outfit! alucard made the skirt for me. It's very me, no?" 

" From secondary school, maybe." 

" Oh, like you don't like remembering the good old days, sean-mhadra tú."

" If I'm an old dog, what's that make you?" 

I glared, and he chuckled a bit. Alucard mentally checked in with me, and said he'd leave me alone for the rest of the night. I took a moment to note how Xander looked, and it was as if nothing changed. He was dressed like he used to when he was home, simple white tee and plain old blue jeans. I noticed his cross was missing, and it made me curious. 

" Where's your cross?" 

" Ah, left it to home. Figured it might make it more comfortable for you if I did." 

" Thank you. That's very considerate of you." 

" Well, I don't want to upset you, so I figured not seeing it might help." 

As we walk along, going off about the old days, it was as if he never left, and this was part of the old routine. It was surreal, how at home I felt. While Alucard made me feel safe, secure, and protected, with Xander, I felt comforted, relaxed, and for the first time since my transformation, I felt human again. We got to the beach, and it was so damn pretty, I forgot everything for a brief moment. 

" O Dhia, tha seo brèagha! Xander, this is amazing!"(oh God, this is beautiful) 

" Just like you, both beautiful and amazing."

I felt him hug me from behind, and rested his head on mine, and I just wanted to cry. The wave of nostalgia and homesick that hit me out of nowhere was so strong, I couldn't stop the few stray tears that did fall.

" Farline, gráinn, what's wrong?"(love) 

He turned me around, and the worry on his face snapped any resolve I had to keep it together. I started to cry, and everything that happened over the past few months washed over me. Xander coming back, becoming what I am, bonding with Alucard, moving on, it all over powered me and made me fall into the sand and my tears stained it red, making me cry harder. 

" Farley, what's wrong?" 

" I just want everything to go back to how it was! I want to wake up and have everything just be some horrid dream, or some sick fucking joke! I am always supposed to be composed because of my job, my lifestyle, but I can't be strong anymore. I never asked for any of this, but because of a miscommunication and my desperation to survive, here we fucking are, and I am just so damn done with all of this trash!" 

I could feel the sand melting under my hands, turning into molten glass, and it was sticking to my skin like a second skin, but I didn't care. I felt Xander move, only to feel a splash of ice cold water go over my head, and it shocked me back out of my pity party. I looked up, and saw Xander crouching down to my level, drying his hands on his jeans with the same old smirk he'd have when he knew I had a panic attack. 

" Now, are we done with our little pity party? The Farley I know doesn't cry over stupid shit like this. Sure, you've been through a lot in the past 6 years, and then some. You don't think I don't think about all of that? I wish I had told you sooner, I should have told you sooner, then maybe none of this would've happened, but living in the past gets no one nowhere. Do you know what my three biggest regrets are?" 

" No." 

He helped me up, and I heated my hands up enough to melt the sand off, brushing it off until they were clean. He held my shoulders, his solid, square jaw set in a serious tone. I saw the scar, and I knew it was from that night. It hadn't been there from before. 

" My biggest regrets are not letting you know about Iscariot sooner, not being the husband you deserved, and for letting my fears about you control our marriage. I won't lie to you, I still love you, I always have, and I always will. I wish I had been more attentive as your husband, because then, maybe, just maybe, it would've given me the courage to tell you about Iscariot, and you never would've met Alucard, you never would've had to worry about me not coming home. Farline Montgomery O'Maide, you deserve the world, and yes, it pisses me off to no end that I lost my chance at being able to give it to you. I had the best gift in the world, and I let you go by being a paranoid coward. I'm honestly glad Alucard did find you, because if there's one good thing to come from this mess, it's you found a forever home, just as you deserve." 

I have known Xander for years, and to see him be this raw and honest, to see him struggling to not break down, it touched me. We were married for 4 years, and he was never this emotional. I pulled him in for a hug, and we just held each other for what felt like forever, but was over far too soon for my personal liking. I looked into his beautiful sea glass green eyes, and felt something I shouldn't have, not for him at least, but I felt it possibly would be a one chance thing, and I didn't want to miss it.

" Xander, I need you to do something for me." 

" Anything, mo bhanríon álainn." (my beautiful queen)

" Love me as if there is no tomorrow, and with no regrets." 

I kissed him, and it was the best kiss I had ever had, and it held the air of absolute no return. I had damned us both, and yet, I didn't care.