The Stowaway

XXIX

"They told me adventures were over, so I got off the internet and got on a plane. They told me kindness was a thing of the past, so I spent a year helping others in need. They told me love was dead, so I fell into it. Head over heels." Abby Lass

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XXIX.

Tom felt a warmth inside himself as Eliza confessed her love for him. He had never expected her love, nor had he ever expected to win anyone'saffection. The life that he led came with certain sacrifices.

But somehow, this beautiful girl had found her way aboard his ship and into his heart. Of course, he loved her. He had already been in love with her by the time that he realised she was important to him.

Eliza was as frustrating as she was beautiful. Reckless as she was selfless. Hopeless as she was hopeful.

And joy. Eliza was joy, and light, and wonder, and everything that was good and pure. How could he not fall hopelessly in love with her? For one so starved of joy as himself, Eliza was like a cure all, and she had begun to stitch up the hole in his heart one inept mistake at a time.

All he wanted was to hold on to her, keep her, marryher if he could. To feel how he did with Eliza made him realise just how miserable he had been before she had come stampeding into his life. He feared what he would become without her.

But life was not that simple. People could not do what they pleased without consequence. To take her away from her life, without being able to give her anything, provide her with anything, was unforgivable.

To tell her that he loved her when he knew he could not do anything about it would be cruel, no matter how his heart ached with the truth. His chest now pained him more than his abdomen.

"Eliza," he said, and he watched the hope dance in her eyes as she anticipated his reply. "I need to tell you something."

He watched her face fall as she understood his tone. She nodded, and he could have sworn he saw her lower lips tremble for a moment.

Tom took a deep breath. He needed her to understand. How sickening it was to feel the need to crush her hopes, and to crush his own in the process. "When we were at port in Kingston, I asked this ship's owner, Mr Kerry, for a loan."

Eliza looked surprised, but curious. "A loan?" she repeated. "Whatever for?"

"I work day and night, sail across dangerous seas, encounter dangerous people," he gestured to his wound, "and I do not see any of the profit. This ship, it's cargo, it's buyers, they all belong to Mr Kerry. I wanted to buy my own ship to start my own merchant business, and to capitalise on the relationships that I have developed over the years."

He did not want to exclusively trade in sugar. There were other highly profitable commodities to be invested in. Coffee, cotton, textiles, and even produce, if he would figure out a way to preserve and transport it.

"Well, that is wonderful that you have your ambitions, Tom," commended Eliza. "When will you buy this ship? When we return to England?"

"No, you misunderstand me, Eliza. I asked for the loan, and I was rejected." He was still devastated and absolutely furious

Eliza frowned. "Why?"

"Because I am too good at my job," Tom replied bitterly. "Mr Kerry does not want me as competition, and so I am forced to remain in a job where I earn forty shillings a month for six months out of the year."

Confessing such a meagre income to a rich woman, a woman that he loved, was absolutely humiliating. Tom could not bear to look at her as she did the arithmetic in her head. He would not have blamed her if she rescinded her confession in that moment.