Forever Love Sick

Last Hope

        I read through all the texts thinking about amazingly stupid I was. Reading through them was like watching a re-run for the millionth time, only the show seems completely different now, like watching a funeral. I try to smile as I read through them, shaking my head as the tears brimmed my eyes. My heart feels heavy, like it had walked a thousand miles and it couldn't take another step. I drop my phone ignoring all texts from my friends. They all asked typical questions that your mom would ask when you got sick. What happened? Are you okay? What do you need? How can I help?

        The next morning I open my eyes and groan. As I slowly pack my track bag, I think about how I'll have to see him at practice. He’ll be smiling and laughing while I'll be struggling to keep it together. How could I have been so wrong? I stuff my shoes into my bag, to the very bottom, so deep that I couldn't see them anymore. Once I’m done, I go to the skeleton of my sister's old room. Bits and pieces of her old things are lying everywhere but everything else is gone. I straighten my bangs and brush my hair. Then I pause, eyes stuck on my reflection in the mirror. I see everything he didn't want as I look at myself. My dad calls for me before I start to cry.

                Standing downstairs waiting for him to pull up, I wonder about what he always said "school first then get married". As much as I want to blame for yet another romantic failure, this is barely his fault. I could blame him for having me and essentially making a small twin on himself. That's what I was. Every time I look at myself in the mirror, his face looks back at me. When he pulls up, I think about his shiny car and how the inside doesn't look as good. I think about how unfair it is that some horrible people are beautiful.

        When we pull into school, my heart is in my boots. We stop just near the door closest to my second period class. Across from that classroom is his locker. I step out of the car and look side to side as subtly as possible. He's nowhere in sight. Still I proceed with caution because he could be around any of the numerous corners in the building. Once I entered, I took a deep breathe. It felt like everything inside me was screaming and begging me to turn back, call my dad, and rush home to my bed where it was safe. But he’s already gone. There’s no escape.

        I turn the corner slowly hoping I was late enough to school that he had already been to his locker and headed to his class. He isn’t there and I was more than relieved. I walk into my second period class and my teacher is on her computer. Ally and Gemma and Laura are standing next to her desk. Ally takes one look at me and rushes forward to hug me. I wonder if she knew that yesterday afternoon just added to the ever growing list of things that was wrong with my life. I don't hug back until my eyes are closed as tightly as possible.

"How are you feeling?" She asks. I don't respond. I spent a lonely afternoon by myself and thinking about how much different things would be now and listening to Taylor Swift.

"Fine." I smile. She hugs me again and gives me the saddest look she can muster. I know she feels bad for me but there must be a part of her that thinks I'm insane. I put down my things. I think about seeing him again and my heart leaps out of my chest. This is for the best, I say.

        I leave before Gemma can ask me what's wrong. We're fine now but trusting her would be like playing in traffic and expecting not to get hit. I walk into creative writing holding my breath at each corner.  The prompt on the board was to name a time where things didn't turn out the way you wanted. I don’t pick up my pencil all class.

        The next two periods are painful and require too much learning for my mind that just wants to find a way to forget everything. Around fourth period my heart is pounding. I should be paying attention to the essay in front of me but instead I’m thinking about him sitting alone at lunch. We used to sit together, mostly when I forced him. I just assumed he didn't initiate it because he was shy. I should have known better. When the lunch bell rings, I'm frozen in my seat. Mary takes a while to notice then she rubs my shoulders. I want to smile back but my lip quivers and I want to scream. When I get up, I cling to my phone like it would save me from him. I get in line by myself, refusing Mary’s suggestion that she stand with me. I’m safe for a while but I have to look straight ahead as I stand in line. He doesn't buy lunch.

        Kylee meets me on the ramp and gives me a small side hug which always make me feel two inches tall and broken. I blink rapidly as we walk to the table together. I spot him of course. Just as we turn to go toward our table, I see his tan face. He's looking right at me and I jerk my head away. I sit with my back to his table and pull out my phone. I play mindless games until the fire in the stomach turns into a dull roar. I should have known better. They are talking about class and how horrible our teacher was but I had nothing to say. English is horrible and I’ve been struggling with it since the first day but nothing seems worse than the pain in my chest right now. My heart could felt like it would burst. I blink quickly wishing I wasn’t so stupid. I told him I wouldn’t freak out and I couldn’t. We talked for a few seconds after he punched a moon shaped hole in my world. It was about practice. He was going to be late. Since then, we’ve barely exchanged words.

        Mary rubs my arm and I can’t handle it. I pull away and flick furiously at my phone like it had done something horrible to me. I hope he doesn’t notice that my whole life is falling apart while he’s only one table away. What do I do? There was nothing I could do. My hands are convulsing even as I squeeze my phone tightly. Mary texts me.

We can leave if you want.

I know that if I go to the bathroom, I will fall apart, like all the pieces that I had duct taped together would slide in different directions and under corners where I would never find them.

No.

I shouldn’t say this but he keeps looking over here.

        I assumed that he was looking at me. I assumed that he knew I did freak out that I called Mary the second he was out of sight and that I cried to her for hours. Everything hurt. No matter what I said, my pieces were still broken and aching to run away. I stand by myself and walk away from the table with my back to him. I’m flipping furiously through photos on my phone as I leave the cafeteria. I need to scream. I take random turns until I end up in the bathroom by myself. Then I’m sitting on the ground, looking at the floor.

        I unlock my phone and read through all the texts we had sent back and forth. I want him. I sniffle into my knees. I need him. I need him. He was one of the only people I knew I needed. I could tell him everything and he could tell me anything. I wipe my eyes and try to think about my favorite bands and friends but nothing is helping me feel better. Mary and Kylee come in not long after I’m done crying.

“Jade,” Kylee says in a tone that makes me feel like I was the sole survivor in a horrible tragedy. I wipe my eyes.

“I miss him.” I say. It’s been one day but I know that our planets would never align again after yesterday’s near collision. I was already falling apart and practice hasn’t even started yet. I haven’t even had to really see him yet.  I’m sobbing like I had lost everything but in reality I had lost my only thing. Once the bell rings, I wipe my eyes again and try to muster up the best smile I can. I look like the joker when I smile, demented and desperate.

        English drags on like a rerun of my least favorite show. Earth science is feels like an hour long bedtime story but this time, I can’t sleep. Every time I take breathe, I feel myself drowning. I’m going to have to see him in one hour. I spent sixth period under a table wanting to cry and runaway. At the time ticks down, more tears come. I leave class with Jason, who should be tired of all my boy problems by now. Instead of saying anything, he just hugs me like I’m the most important person in his world.

        The bell rings ending the day. I let go but I know I’m not ready. I go downstairs way too soon. I don’t look both ways before turning the corner. He’s right there, slouching over his locker. I stop for a second and even in the crowded hall way, he sees me too. I want to scream but I don’t.  I walk right into the classroom where I keep my sport’s bag. When I turn and leave the room, he’s still standing by his locker except it is closed and he’s fiddling with his hands. I walk by shaking and wanting to vomit. That’s when I hear my name. I turn to him. Despite everything that happened, there is still a sliver of hope in my mind that he changed his. That maybe he was way too nervous to tell me everything last night. Maybe he just needed time to think about whether or not he wanted to risk our friendship.

“Jade,” Ally says, her smile fading a bit. Myles  looks at me like he knows exactly what I was thinking. He walks away without saying a word, unknowingly taking the remaining pieces of my heart with him.