Atonement

Chapter 1

It was amazing how easily one could become lost, in music, on the street, even in one’s own head. I, for instance would habitually find myself lost in the shower. Now not physically lost, it would be quite a feat to find yourself without direction in the shower one could liken to a small closet. It was more of a mental absence. Once I turned the water on, it would only take a few moments for my thoughts to swirl down the drain with the water. My eyes would fix upon the white tile, stuck in a sort of haze. I would find myself what seemed like years later, just standing in the shower, the water now cold for the old water heater could only hold on for so long. My throat would feel achy and sore, almost as if I had screamed for hours at a time. I would always find myself in a darker place than before, foreboding always followed showers.

                Getting lost was always a common occurrence for me. While in school my teachers had my mom take me to a doctor, they feared that my “episodes” were some kind of seizure, that maybe that the synapses in my brain fired too much. After a battery of tests the doctors were stumped. I have never been to a doctor or a school after that. My mother told me that when I would get lost, it was just my soul searching for its other half. I never really believed her, even as a child. Her smile would tell me not to worry, that it was normal. But it was the eyes that always got me, her eyes always gave her away. She was scared, for what reason I don’t know and I never will.

                My mother died when I was 12, or at least that’s what the police said. I had gotten lost again, this time I had been sitting on the couch with a bowl of cereal watching my morning cartoons. By the time I had found myself, my cereal had spilled on the carpet. My throat was so raw that when I inhaled a cough automatically bubbled out of my throat, this time bringing bright drops of blood with it. It had never been that bad before. I internally panicked, since screaming was definitely out of the equation. I hoarsely called out for my mom, she had always known what to do when I had a particularly bad episode. She never answered, I began to become slightly more worried. As my search of the house turned up no signs of my mother, I was in full panic mode. She was nowhere to be found, her car was still in the driveway, the coffee she had been brewing wasn’t finished. The newspaper she was reading at the kitchen table was still open to the crossword section. The clue she started to finish stopped in the middle of the word. She was gone, she left me.

                I grabbed the phone and dialed 9-1-1. I was so scared and I desperately tried to tell the operator what was going on but all that came out was inaudible whisper. Of course trying to explain to the police what had happened turned up no better luck. I was hysterical, as the social worker came to take me away to his car, I fought with every fiber of my being, and I didn’t truly understand what was going on. The disappearance of my mother baffled all of the town authorities, just like my episodes baffled the doctors. The car began to drive away, I quickly turned around and pressed my hands against the rear window. Almost trying to see if I could push the window out and jump onto the gravel driveway. Maybe my mother was hiding, I screamed at the top of my lungs, hoarse murmurs coming out instead. Maybe if I was loud enough she would hear me and come get me. She couldn’t let this social worker take me away. I had heard stories about being a foster child, she wouldn’t let me go. The pit of my stomach dropped to my feet. I felt as though my insides were twisting in on each other. This wasn’t happening.

The house that I spent my childhood in became increasingly smaller as I traveled farther away. It soon became only a speck on the horizon. As the house grew smaller, the rage within me grew stronger. She left me, without a word, without the slightest notion. She didn’t love me, she didn’t care for me. What was I to her? She told me that she would never leave me, where was her promise now? Now I had to figure out how to take of myself. I could do it, I didn’t need anybody to help me anymore. I could do this on my own. If I was going to be lost, I didn’t need anybody to help me find my way back again.  My mother was gone as well as my love for her.