The Darkness in her Eyes

Prologue

When I was small, I used to sit on my bed and look out the window. I loved to watch the train and the sounds it made soothed me right to sleep. I prayed nightly I would find someone, one day, to love me. In my inner thoughts though, I thought I would never be good enough or pretty enough. School for me was horrible—the other children picked on my looks or made fun of my clothes.At one point I was forced to drink air conditioner water by the same girls who constantly were telling others not to come around me. I never got any peace even though I loved learning. My dark brown hair and eyes were so dark that teachers looked at me with questions looming over their heads.

Mom was a short woman with striking brown eyes and black hair that won my Dad over when he was five years old. My dad was a handsome man with dark auburn hair and brown eyes. It was quite a sight to see them together, as my Dad was a tall, burly man. He also had a hearing impairment like my little brother David who could be his twin.

Mom and Dad were both in special education because of physical disabilities peers were not kind to them. They married young and both suffered from abandonment issues. Mom's father had left five kids and when he was around, he was drunk. Dad's father left five kids also but left when he was three.

It's true as a child, you watch your parents grow up. I watched them fight and separate several times a year. As a child, our eyes don't see their flaws, only their love.

As soon as I was old enough to understand, I took care of the inside of the house and the outside chores. My brother didn't help and to keep my dad from becoming frustrated, I did it all.

Dad always tried to brighten my Mother's Day by updating our home and remodeling it. It scared him to think of ever losing her and my mother was afraid to be without him.

Due to Dad's work schedule he was gone for a few weeks at a time. Usually that meant we would be on our last scrap of food before he came back. There was a nice pizza owner that always let my mother order pizza on a tab. In my child's eye, I thought it was a treat and I did not understand it was because we were out of food.

Dad was a very frugal person. He would buy us four outfits and they were very baggy and gender neutral. Mom was not. She didn't have it growing up and would sneak us a few outfits, when he wasn't looking and have us hide it under our beds. She had to get money out of his wallet while he was sleeping. He believed in his privacy. There were certain rules in my house. I had friends over, but they could not stay the night until I turned fifteen. Dad would make them feel unwelcome. He would either ignore their existence or shut himself up in his bedroom. I wasn't allowed to have access to the internet and was only allowed on the phone with my family. My mother, being as clever as she could, hid a phone line underneath the carpet and a cordless phone in my room.

In my early teens, I escaped with books and Degrassi, where I could pretend to be a normal person. Things got interesting the day I met Craig. I had recently turned fourteen, and I loved writing poetry during lunch in the library. I met Craig there. He had dark hair and a medium complexion. His eyes were a dark brown and made you take a deep dive into his eyes. I felt his breath across the nape of my neck. He was looking over my shoulder, trying to read my poems.

Craig intimidated me a lot, and we were only together for a few months. It was the first time I ever felt butterflies and I was oblivious to his quirky flaws. He dumped me after he realized I wouldn't give into sex as his previous girlfriends.

Friends never came easy for me, there was always a catch. My first friend was Allie, I had met her in kindergarten. She believed the other children in my classroom when they told her I was dirty and would give her head lice. My second friend Britt ended up spreading rumors that I was a lesbian and claimed I tried to make moves on her.

In the beginning of my freshman year, I was pulled out and home-schooled for a year. The only contact I had during this time from the outside world was family and two guy friends I met online.