Apocryphal Family Tree: The Rough Draft

In Case I Die and Don't Haunt You

Siblings
Once the roof that we all lived under no longer was the roof we all lived under, my siblings became people I liked hanging out with. We were pretty close anyways because there is a certain amount of bonding that happens when there are always less than two handfuls of people of color and you were related to a third of the Black people. Or your at a white family gathering. There's a book titled why do the Black kids sit together at lunch. It's because safety in numbers and comfort.
We go to Jacques. It's easy and fun and we all feel pretty and we can get pizza. Bay is underage, so we did the whole my ID from MA that's not expired and my ID from CA that is also not expired. We then came in at separate times, about 15 minutes and a giant bachelorette apart.
We sat in the back where in between the flashy pop numbers, strains of the punk show going on below came up. We're snacking on honey garlic chicken Sicilian pizza from Pinocchio's delivered by Doordash. This night is going swimmingly. I got to raid the bank for tip money. We have stacks of cash, enough money to make it rain not merely a pitiful drizzle.
It's nice to be in a place to be and see Bay be a little more comfortable, a little more herself here. Not quite herself because this is a very heterosexual serving bar, but not the only queer person here. I don't feel queer even though I haven't identified as hetero in a couple of years but I'm so heteronormative presenting.
I'm cataloging the night and taking pictures I'm not gonna need with both of my siblings and not drinking but acting like the fun drunk I can sometimes be so that I don't get more attention than I want about my appreciations and expressions of love.
At the end of the night I write this all into my journal. I don't think about what else is written in my journal that might be embarrassing. I'll be dead. I send the pictures to my siblings. I don't upload them to Facebook because these aren't for public consumption. I fall asleep knowing that my siblings know I love them and knowing my siblings love me. I can die at peace with that as our last big memory and I continually remind myself via gratitude journal to not fight with them, they need to not have fresh regrets about our relationships.
Of course that isn't real life. Things don't just happen because you want them to. Sometimes they don't even happen when you are intentional about it. The yelling downstairs is what tells me I'm not going to get what I want. I'm going to have to compromise for human because I am. Even with all I know and can do, I'm still human. And even if I was more like Winnie, all I know about the supernaturals is that there are things even they can't do. I roll out of bed and put on clothes. I go downstairs to see what the shouting is about.

Parents
It turns out the fighting was about the open secret of what the family estrangement was about. Which was easy for me to put to bed by me saying that it's fine. I was angry but I'm not now. I get it. It's about protection and not wanting me to die. It's been seven months and I found what gets the apprentices killed and why and it was a BIG CONVERSATION. We went over the fun, unbelievable things I've seen and done as Winnie's apprentice.
We have a big family dinner because now everyone knows what I'm about now. They know I'm going to my death and it turns out that since they've been living with pieces of it for longer, they are more prepared than I gave them credit for.
Bay brings up that she'll be okay if I haunt her. That she'd even be happy to hear from me from time to time. I don't know how ghosts work in this universe as I haven't really communicated with the dead since it's been deeply ingrained in me to not talk to the dead. I feel like maybe I should figure that out before I die because if I can stay with my family until they cross, that'd be dope.
Dinner is cheerful. Mom made all my favorite things. Dad came home with cannoli. Sep and Bay got my favorite beer. Dinner was delicious. I went back to Winnie's and grabbed my letters. We took photos that would be good for framing and remembering us as a family. Me and my parents. The sibs and me. Even our cat and dog and me.
It was amazing. Better than I would have expected. My siblings were rightfully mad at me for disguising why I wanted to hang out and also why I was being so demonstrative with my love. Better than I could have dreamed.
It was amazing. Better because everyone knew what was going on. They're gonna be good without me and with the memories we have. And I'll be good with my memories of them. I know we'll all be sad but death is a part of life and being prepared for it is better than not.
It doesn't seem odd to be to be at peace with what's going to happen in the coming weeks or months. This sense that comes to me is a deep relief. It's weird to think of the world going on when I don't get to go with it, but it's also a perspective that currently settles on me like a breathable weighted blanket. The world will be fine without me and I will be fine without this world.
Even with all this calmness, I'm still angry at Winnie. It's her fault that I'm in this mess. She's the one that chooses the apprentice and draws the attention of the supernatural to a human who eventually must be hidden away and allowed no life or taken on dangerous missions that at some point prove to be too dangerous for the apprentice. Am I ready to be an ancestor? The death sense doesn't seem to be stopping people from getting into Heaven, so that's good. I can relax about that.

Family at the homestead
I explained to everyone why this was happening. They mostly understood. One asked why I couldn't just move and I said I didn't want to always hide, to never be able to do all the things I want and love to do. Part of who I am is magic and I have grown to enjoy using it. The power of mine to use and I enjoy using it. I don't want to go back to the person who is afraid of who they are and what they can do am being who I am makes me a target and as Winnie puts it, "I'm too naive to be as powerful as I am." I summoned a snake familiar and a cat familiar when trying to contact Bast and Mami Wata.
The dinner was delicious. I thought about bringing my immediate family through a portal but ultimately decided against it because our interactions as a whole family with the extended family is awkward from lack of contact for over a decade. I've gotten better with the people over the past few months. I'm in and out of here all of the time and I know most of the faces at a a glance. I'm at ease without my family here in a way I couldn't be if they were here. I smile as I take a deep breath. This is my family too. I am home here too.
Dinner is over too fast. We talked and connected and at the end of the night I help with clean up. Many hands make light work. Even the attempt to lengthen the night by helping with the dishes and sweeping and putting the room back to a clean order is done in a whirlwind. If this is to be my memory of here, I'm glad. It was good. I was honest. We all know what's happening and we're all as okay as we can be with it.
Before I leave Mama Washington texts me and asks me to come to her room. I oblige my grandmother. As I walk up to her room I think about how I barely know her compared to my nonna. What was my grandfather like? What was her life like before she got married? What was raising four children in the 60s like? Questions flood my mine and I almost walk right by her room.
She's burning incense and it smells lovely. Cozy and warm. She gives me a big hug and asks if I'm ready for what is about to happen. I think I am. She says she's glad they know now. She's not any happier about it but at least they know now and they can prepare for it. She asks if I say my grandfather when I visited Heaven. I did not. I was looking for the former apprentices and that are up most of my time. She nods. Tells me I should try to find him and say hello, he'd love to meet one of his grandchildren.
I look around grandma Washington's room and there are so many pictures. Pictures of her and my mom and her siblings. Pictures from her and grandpa's wedding. Pictures of her farming in a silly hat. Pictures of her with her grandchildren from a few years ago. There's even a picture of her with all of us, my siblings and I, when we were toddlers.
Then she asks if she can bless me. It's a small blessing. One asking for protection and guidance. We're all resigned that I'm going to die soon, but it doesn't have to be too soon. She invokes our ancestors. She asks them to watch over me. I feel the prayer settle on my skin and I tingle.