Unexpected Feeling

Somethings changing

As Connie glanced at her computer screen she moved back to rest her head on the chair, it had already been a long day and she had only just arrived. Brushing the tear that rolled down her cheek away she quickly gathered her thoughts. Standing up she headed to the nurses station, Her team needed her. Today was hard for everyone. She didn't have the time to feel sorry for herself.

"Right if I could have everyone's attention" David looked up from the patients notes he was looking at as everyone gathered round. "I know you are all busy so I will try keep this short" taking a deep breath in she could feel the lump in her throat threatening it's way back. "Duffy was a very good nurse, one of the best. She dedicated her life to this hospital. She was like a mother to many of us, a much needed mentor on the tougher shifts. She was special. Today we may say our goodbyes but for the people working you are doing her the best of honours. Doing the very thing she loved most. Today we stick together for Duffy. Alright. That's all" offering a smile as she left connie headed back to her office closing the door as she leaned her back against it, taking a deep breath in. She could do this. She needed to be strong.

A little while later there was a knock at connie's door. "Major RTC 2 patients on there way, eta 5 minutes" slightly rolling her eyes connie started her walk to the ambulance bay "thank you Noel, Archie with me" opening the doors they were greeted by the sounds of the paramedics "this is Alex treace 27 who was involved in an RTC around 1.30pm suspected that he nosedived out of the car during the crash GCS of 14 BP 140 over 80 sats of 95, so far he's had 250 of normal saline and morphine, on 3...1...2...3" nodding her head connie moved to the top of the bed "thank you ruby we've got it from here, Dylan I've got this one if you get the next patient, dr Hudson with me" Connie quickly got her Doctors head on and forgot about how she was feeling, after all wasn't everyone feeling the same?

Standing looking at the blood on her face connie wiped the tear from her cheek, today was not the day to loose a Patient. Allowing her self one moment to feel her emotions she moved to the toilet cubicle, sitting down she hung her head placing them in her hands trying to muffle her sobs. All day she had been trying to keep it together. Her guilt over Duffy was eating away at her, Charlie needed her but he still hated her and now she lost a patient a young boy who was only at the beginning of his life. Did she miss something? Was she distracted? Taking a moment to herself she stood up wiping the tears away and putting her walls back up.

Making her way back to her office she was stopped in her tracks. "Mrs beauchamp, the family of Alex is here, do you want me to do the notification?" Connie's heart started to race, the family...of course the family was here, she could feel her steady facade crumbling away "connie?" Snapping back to reality she looked at Archie probably revealing to much but for some reason she couldn't seem to hide her emotions from Archie. "Why don't we do it together, a problem shared is a problem halved right?" Archie took a moment almost as if she was analysing her, did she still not trust her? "Yeah I think that might work, there in the family room" connie nodded as they headed towards the family room, Connie could feel her palms getting sweaty, she was failing today. Finding it hard to gather her emotions. She wanted to run away and hide but one thing rehab taught her is that running away never works. "Mr and mrs treace, hi I'm mrs beauchamp and this is dr Hudson, we are the doctors that looked after your son, I'm very sorry but we did all we could, his injuries were just to severe, we tried our best. I'm so sorry" connie looked at Archie as the parents broke down in front of them, fighting back the tears connie moved uncomfortably from side to side. "Mrs beauchamp and I tried all we could but just know your son put up a good fight, if you need to talk to us we are here all day, Noel well come by soon to give you all the information you need, again we are very sorry for your loss" feeling archies eyes on her connie began to leave feeling archies hand on her shoulder "connie" briefly turning round she saw the look of concern on archies face "I'm fine dr Hudson, thank you"

As connie headed towards her office to try and gather herself she was stopped in her tracks, it was very quiet, everyone had seemed to have disappeared, hearing footsteps behind her she looked at Jacob who had put a hand on her shoulder "charlies asked for the hearse to drive past the hospital" connie let out a breath, her whole body went cold. She was a ticking time bomb of emotion, she was trying to conceal it but it was getting Harder as the day drew on. Pulling at her blouse she headed for the door. Charlie stood in the middle of the line as the rest of the staff lined one by one next to him, Connie joined at the end then Archie then Jacob. Everyone held down their heads as the hearse slowly drove past. A mixture of blue and pink roses made up the name "Duffy" above her coffin, tears streamed down everyone's faces as they watched Charlie walk towards the car, his head held high as the people attending her funeral followed him. She wanted so bad to join them but she has a department to hold down besides the fact Charlie probably didn't want her there. How could she of done that to Duffy? To Charlie? Somebody she thought of like a father? How could she of been that awful to them? Feeling the emotions of the day showing there ugly face connie quickly moved back into the ED.

Noticing connie's quick movement Archie followed her. Getting a knowing look from will. Practically running to her office connie closed the door and headed to her desk, sitting down she glanced at her desk drawer, slowly opening it the tears started to fall heavily, reaching her hand in the drawer she pulled out a picture of her and Charlie from a few years back, it was Charlie's birthday and they were both smiling, both so happy, how could he ever forgive her. Hearing a knock at the door she didn't even try to hide her emotions she just ignored it as the door opened. Archie closed the door and moved to the chair. "Look connie, I'm not going to sit here and say that everything's fine, you messed up. You messed up big but eventually he will forgive you. If you forgive yourself" connie looked up at Archie as she stood up "thank you dr Hudson but I don't need yo-" Archie held her hands up as shook her head "why do you always do this just let yourself feel what you want to feel, stop hiding it, isn't that what got you here in the first place, we lost a patient today and I could tell how hard it was for you treating him when you were obviously upset, and that's because your a good doctor you get on with it regardless, but you don't have to do that all the time, everyone has bad days, it doesn't mean your any less of a person connie" archies eyes grew bigger as she watched tears fall down connie's cheeks. Had she gone to far? This was connie beauchamp she was taking to after all. The room fell silent for a moment as the two woman looked at each other working out what to do next "thank you Archie I appreciate it. Today was a lot for all of us. I'm trying to forgive myself but I think it might take some time, I appreciate your support"

Archie nodded feeling as though she might have over stepped a little, thinking it was best to leave She headed towards the door before she could reach the handle she changed her mind "connie I know it's not your thing but I think you could do with a drink? First ones on me?" Connie looked at Archie who seemed a little uncomfortable. maybe a drink wasn't a bad idea.