Shards

Angelo's girlfriend and I were always friends.

She's sitting across from me, her head hung low and her hair just barely brushing the table the table. She doesn't dare meet my eyes. 

Angelo's girlfriend and I were always friends. 

"Natalie, do you remember when we were all really little and Angelo and I had to babysit you?" Kylie has a sad smile but it doesn't reach her eyes. "We would always sit around and watch tv together, and you always ended up saying how you were only a year younger than Angelo and I, you shouldn't have to be watched."

I've known Kylie my entire life, she's my only friend at this point. She's been my only friend for the past month, even if I haven't seen her face-toface since Angelo's funeral. Sometimes I would see her leaving the cememtery as I entered but we only gave each other weak smiles as we passed each other. She's always been around, always been apart of our family. I can't remember a time when she wasn't in my life. I would say she's like a sister to me but it's not fitting. If I'm being honest, I don't know what is fitting. She's too special to me. She's so much more than a family member, I just can't find the right words to describe what that means right now. 

She loved Angelo, more than anything in the world. They had been dating for four years and Angelo always talked about marrying her someday. He would go on and on about how much he loved her, how he wanted to propose when they were both out of college. They were made for each other, you can see it in the the way they looked at each other. She really was the love of his life, until the very end of his life. I can barely look at Kylie anymore, all I see is him. His death is spread across her face. She's a reminder of him and him being real, I need her to help me feel seen. 

I've always tagged along with Angelo and his friends, annoyling. I even dated his friends sister at one point. Kylie, Angelo, and I were a group in ourselves, though. I've always been friends before boyfriends sister to Kylie. When I used to hang out with Kylie and Angelo, I was a friend before anything else. It was nice. 

"Yeah..." My voice cracks as I remember my childhood with Kylie and my brother. As I remember my brother. 

That empty feeling I hate so much is back, maybe it never left. Sometimes I forget it's there, but then I speak about Angelo out loud. Even if it's just to myself it hurts so badly.

"I'm going to his grave tonight, do you want to come with me?" She takes another sip of her coffee and looks up at me.

This is the first time I've seen her since Angelo died, it hurt both of us too much to see each other until now. Do I want to go to his grave? I go once a week, every Saturday,   just to talk to him about everything that happens which is not much. I look up at the girl in front of me, her watery blue eyes and her long blonde hair. I used to have the biggest crush on her. Now all she is to me is a memory of who Angelo was. It's nice to be here with her, nice to see her. At the same time that it crushes me, reminding me of my brother, she reminds of the fact that my mom and I aren't the only people in the world who 

"Of course, if you can pick me up." 

"Your car not working?"

"Nope."

She smiles and nods before leaving. 

I go home, no matter how much I don't want to. 

When I'm at my house, I'm wandering in the dark. My mother hasn't been home a lot, she can't handle seeing my brothers room but not him. I barely can either, but part of me feels like his room is proof that he was here, proof that he was real and human. That he wasn't something I imagined to keep the loneliness at bay. It's a nice feeling, and for a split second the warmth fills up the missing peices in me.

 There's a knock at my front door, and I can only assume it's Kylie and upon opening the door, I was right. She's standing at my door, dressed in all black. That's the way Kylie is,  I don't blame her. She's treating this like it's a funeral. 

"Hey, Nat." She gives me another watery smile and gestures to her car. "Ready?" 

I  nod, stepping out the door and towards her car. It's dark enough that the streetlights are turned on, and Kylie is parked underneath the one that's been broken for the past month. 

As I look around her car, I see so many of the things that Angelo left behind. Air fresheners, (He really loved the smell of pine, he loved the outdoors), t-shirts, CDs, this car was so...Him. Even if it wasn't his. Kylie must've seen me looking around the car because she turned to me.

"Pop in that cd, you'll like it." The blonde hands me a cd with a clear case, not labeling or writing or anything. 

When I first put it in, I don't hear anything. But then, giggling. Kylie's laugh, followed by Angelos. 

"It's on, dummy." That's Kylie.

"Oh! Right. Okay." Angelo. I start to tear up. I can't tell if this is sadness or happiness but it's emotion. "Natty, I'm recording this, I think like a week before your 18th birthday, and I want you to know how much I love you. So, uh, happy birthday. I guess? Thanks for being the most top-notch baby sister I could be stuck with." 

He plays a few of his songs, the one he wrote for me hit the hardest. 

"I love you to death, Natty." 

I can't believe that I'm breaking down right now, we haven't even left the driveway.