Shards

Seen

I'm sitting on my bed, manila folder in my hands. I haven't really realized how thick it is until now. 

My hands are shaking, not out of anxiety or fear, I'm just nervous of what I'll find. I guess I am scared that it'll only be something I don't like, something that hurts me. I don't want it to hurt me, it's the last thing I want. But I've decided that to get the missing pieces of myself back, I need to read this. I'm more scared of what will happen if I don't then what will happen if I do. 

I'm so desperate at this point. So desperate to feel whole again, so desperate to get Angelo as far away from me as possible.  I don't want him to be a part of any aspect of my life, I've already shoved that box of his things in the garage where my Mom will never find it and I hop it stays there. I hope it burns. 

If opening this folder and being able to throw it out means being able to throw him away, I'm willing to get hurt for it. I'm willing to go through all this pain a million more times if it means getting him out of my life completly. 

I open the folder and a ton of lined paper falls out. I pick one up, it's Angelo's handwriting. I sift through all the papers, finding the one that's dated the longest time ago. 

Dear Natty, 

                           I hope you find these letters, I hid them in a place I know you'll find them. I know you know where I would hide stuff, you always knew me too well. I'm not going to beat around the bush. I might being dying soon, and I want you to know the truth but I can't tell you out loud. I'll get killed even sooner, and you'll be put in danger, too. So I decided to write these letters to tell you I joined a gang. And I stole from them. I promises it's not because I'm a criminial, you know that's not true. You know me better than that. I know you do. Natty, I'm doing it so you can go to college. It sucks so bad that you didn't get that scholorship, I know how much you wanted it. That's why I'm doing this. I'm doing this for you, not for me. I want you to know how much I love you. I always want you to know how much I love you. Don't hate me for this, okay? I never meant to hurt you, I promise. I know this will hurt you, though. That doesn't make it right. I never really should have joined but seeing in in so much pain made me feel so terrible. You're my baby sister, how could I just stand there and watch you hurt?                                                                                                         -Angelo

Don't hate me for this. 

He did it for me. 

He did everything for me.

He died for me. 

And I hate him? Why would I hate him? Why was I so angry? I never should have done that. I never should have done anything of this. I never should have gotten involved, I was never supposed to. That's not what I was suppsoed to do. I was supposed to wait until we clened out his room. 

It made for one hell of an adventure. 

But he wanted me to know. He alwayswanted me to know, even before He was gone, he wanted me to know. I can't hate him for that. I don't hate him or that. I won't hate him for that. How could I? God, I hate myslef for letting that thought even pass my mind.I'm such a terrible person. ANgelo knew he was going to die, Kylie probably knew too. That's why she didn't tell me. She didn't want it to be true either. No, she couldn't have known he was going to die beforeit happened. She would've tried to stop it. I know KYlie, she would have done anything in her power to stop it. 

Angelo never meant to keep this a secret, he never wanted to. He was protecting to me. 

The tears are falling onto the paper, just barely blurring the ink. 

I feel whole again.