Writing Letters To My Love

Letter Nine

My Love,

Last night you said that you would always be there, that I would always have you, that some things just take some time. You said that you still needed to find yourself and all that. I don't understand that, why can't I help you find yourself, why do you have to do it alone?

And another thing, last night you just immediately thought the worst of me, you just assumed that I had slept with some other guy, you said that you knew it would happen. Why do you expect the worst of me? I guess the fact that you reacted means that you still care. You asked where I was and how I was going to get home and you wanted to know what I was doing.

You know what got to me? When you said," there's the Kayla I fell in love with." Well then why did you even leave? You made me wonder if I ever even really had you. I want so much just to see you, just to touch you, hear your voice. I have this stupid idea in my head that if I get to spend some time with you that I can make you realise how much you love me, how much you need me.

My friend and I were talking about how my mum will never accept the age difference, and then I told her that four years from now it wouldn't matter. I realised then and there that I subconsciously want you in my future, that I subconsciously believe that you will be in my life four years from now and then further on, too.

I guess that I do imagine my future with love in it, even though I promised myself that I never would. I believe that you are my future, that without you my life would never be fulfilled. It is rather stupid I guess, to want all this with you when you don't even know what you want for breakfast.

When I was confronted with a confliction this week you were the first person I wanted to tell, the person whom I trust the most to be honest to me and give me some advice. I count on you way more than I should. You keep saying that you are going to leave and I keep telling myself that it wouldn't matter if you were here or not, but without you I wouldn't know who I am or what is wrong or right, I would never have been able to share all of who I am with someone and then I would have no one to remind me of who I am when I stray from my path. Even though you go away, you are never fully gone. When I was conflicted and in distress you came to my rescue almost immediately.

I don't know what to believe anymore. My heart tells me that you love me; you tell me that you will never leave me, though I don't see you anywhere. You tell me you love me, but you left me. I don't know if what we had was real, though it felt like the realest thing I have ever experienced. I know where I stand, but where do you stand?

Where do we stand?