Writing Letters To My Love

Letter Twenty

My Love,

Today is one of those days where I feel like I am drowning in memories of you. It all got triggered when...

God, I don't even know when it got triggered. All I know is that I am losing control, everything reminds me of you. I tried sleeping, but my thoughts of you kept me restless. I tried listening to music, but it is as if every song was written about you. I tried reading, but my book's plot resembles our tragic love story too much. I tried talking about it, but it is as if my words couldn't form properly. I tried exercising to forget about you, though it turned out that was when the thoughts of you haunted me the most.

All I want is to see you, one last time. To touch your body one last time. To gently stoke your face one last time. To hear you say you love me one last time. Back in early December when you came by Juley's before or after work for a few moments, I took those visits for granted. If I regret anything it is that I took so long since October to see you again. I turned you down week after week, that has been my biggest regret yet. I took it for granted every time you said you loved me when you drove away from Juley's gate. I regret not telling you I loved you every chance I got and not kissing you whenever the opportunity presented itself. Time with you was precious and I had always known this since time with you has always been limited, but I never realised just you precious my time with you was, until recently.

Sure, there was a lot of shit between us and you were a prick three quarters of the time, but sometimes love with you seemed to come so effortlessly and freely and naturally. It still does, but now it is a different type of love, now it is what is known as unrequited love.

I remember in December, one night you were fooling around on your phone and then out of the blue you sent me these pictures you made, saying "I love you Kayla" at the time I thought it was quite foolish and irrelevant, but now, that you're gone, I look at them frequently and cling to the thought that you once loved me.

This one time you were buying food at KFC and you sent me this cute photo of you drinking your - whatever you were drinking- with one eyebrow raised ridiculously high and your mouth formed this cute little pout. I loved it when you sent me pictures of you, you don't know just how much I appreciated those silly pictures. This one time it was raining and I was playing around in the rain like I normally do and I wanted to share my joy for the rain with you, so I sent you a picture of me soaking wet, sticking my tongue out, broadly smiling and pointing at the rain. You then, in turn, sent me a picture of you standing outside, also enjoying the rain. The one thing you never did was smile, like really grin, in pictures. You always had a straight face or a little smile tugging at the corner of your mouth.

I never saw your smile enough; you have always been such a serious person. If there was one thing I wanted to see more of you, it would be your smile and I would love to be the cause or the reason for that smile. The one time I really saw you laughing and grinning was that one night in august when I slept over by your place and we were sitting on your bed, well I sat, you were lying. You were lightly tracing your fingers over my back and you were talking in these outrageous accents and we were laughing our asses off. In that moment there wasn't once where you weren't laughing or smiling and it was the best laugh I've had all that year.

You have been the reason for my worst cries, though no one has ever made me laugh quite as loud as you did, no one has ever made me laugh as much as you made me laugh that night. Out of all the moments we have ever spent together- and there's been a lot over the years- that night was my favourite.

No matter how much my perspective of you change and no matter how much time we spend apart, no matter how horrible you can get, no matter what; none of that will ever taint the memories we made that night. That night, what I felt for you and experienced with you, will be what I will compare every future moment I share with someone, with.

I feel better after I wrote to you. I miss you even more now, but now it is not sorrow I am feeling, but a form of bliss. It sounds odd, I know, but I would rather feel happy that I had the opportunity to share those moments with you, than feel sorrowful that I won't get to share another moment with you.

The little things, the little moments- they aren't little.