Writing Letters To My Love

Letter Thirty-eight

The great love isn't always the right love 

I spent so much time, even before I even committed to Marco, obsessing the chances of me being happy with him. I never thought he would be able to satisfy my need for thrills and danger. For a while I thought I didn't need all the excitement- then I thought I couldn't be happy if I didn't have it; now I feel that I need it, but I need Marco more. For so long I was obsessed with having an epic love, achieved through pain and nostalgia. Then I met Marco, at first it felt like love wasn't worth it if you didn't have that experience of the endless wondering, wishing and disappointment and chase... 

I now realise that nothing, really, is worth it if you don't have love and a person who loves and treats you equally. I don't deserve someone as perfect as Marco and Marco doesn't deserve someone who doubts every aspect of their relationship: Marco deserves someone who knows how to love him, without destroying him. I thought no one could ever love me fully for who I am, then Marco came along and without any hesitation accepted me wholeheartedly for who I was, who I am and who I'm becoming. I have put him through so much shit and he has stood by me through everything. 

He knew exactly who I was and had ever been; and he loved me anyways. I don't deserve an epic love, but he does. I wouldn't know what to do with it once I had it. I did have that with Marco, I just hadn't realised it until this very moment. I really hope Marco and I reach or 111 years. It is true what they say, you don't know what you have until you lose it. I wanted to write a poem with the title 'all consuming', the worst part is that you weren't the first person to pop into my mind when I thought of the words. You don't deserve that; you deserve someone capable of loving you without doubting any minute of it.

 Great loves are erotic and all-consuming, but great loves tend to be like two stars colliding into one another and creating a black hole. Literary history is filled with an abundance of these examples. Romeo and Juliet, the great Gatsby, my future book. The right love feels like water slowly grazing your body; the right love is the love where there isn't deceit or doubts or space. The right love won't want space, they would want to be your ocean. Marco was that to me, and like a fool, I refused to accept or acknowledge it. 

If I had the chance to do it all over again, I would never doubt my right love just to pursue the fleeting, fading great love.