50 Shades of Walrus

AMBUSH!!!

Upon realising I was well and truly fucked, I decided there was no reason to just sit there and die (to be completely honest I kinda like living). I majestically flopped my way down the worn and weary path with the hope that I would eventually find civilisation. But suddenly without warning I heard a loud and sharp " WOOTINI!" followed by what I knew was a tribal horn however it did sound a bit like Jhonny Vegas after eating a few too many Brussels sprouts. And then the noise I had grown to fear echoed throughout the forest. The noise that made children turn and run for their very lives to tell their parent that they had gleefully learnt a naughty word. "EAT SHIT". I knew what was coming but I couldn't for the life of me find the target . I realised too late. It was me!

I looked up for some divine enlightenment but to my dismay the sun had been blocked by a dark brown, messy and undesirable cloud of fesses. I dived behind a large and ample boulder milliseconds before the flood of anal discharge bombarded the ground around me. There was no escape this time. One of these crazed mainiacs, sure I could take that bastard by sneezing. but a herd of shit lobbing loonies? I'm not sure if I had the guts, the good or even the nose to take them on.

The bombardment continued. The ground around me was caped in shyte. It was only then I noticed a hooded girl stood within the trees beckoning me towards her. She seemed so mysterious yet at the same time lovingly affectionate and almost dreamy. I snuck away into the trees blending in to the shit as I crawled desperately to her. She spoke not a word but grabbed my hand and without so much as a glimpse at her face...

We ran!