50 Shades of Walrus

A Young Walrus Was I

Hello. My name is Chris, Chris Trott to be precise. This is my story. The story of how I went from being a lonely homeless walrus wheeling tears of milk after getting a hand job from a penguin to the now beloved comedian that spends almost 95%of his life playing Trials and still crystal tears of milk after getting a hand job from a penguin. This is the story of how i not only met two of my greatest pals and two of the sexist women I know. This is my story.

It all started out three years ago as I sat in the loving arms of my grandmother ( who by the way is a Labrador ( lets just say my family was all made on one hell of a Saturday night)) and she told me of a magical world the likes of which our family had never seen. A place where the sun shone brightly, a place where the calming sound of the sea would relax all your pains and aches and a place where you could find condoms in every good hotel and restaurant. A place called Bristol. It was at this moment where I, as a fully mature walrus would venture out into the unknown in search of this legendary and mythical place.

I sharply packed my suitcase ready for my drawn out and extensive adventure ahead. I had everything packed from my tu-tu my three-three and my four-four (just in case) to my doctors coat and rubber gloves. But before I could finally venture out into this new world, I caught sound of an old hag's voice from beyond the westerly hills " TIS I" the voice exclaimed " YE OLDE HAG WHO LIVETH BEYOND THEE WESTERLY HILLS" I cut short her seemingly medieval speech my abruptly yelling back " NO SHIT DUCK FACE" . Unfortunately my addition to the conversation appeared not to have pleased the hag. She continued " IF IT THE MAGICAL LAND OF BRISTOL YOUR FLOPPY FLIPPERS SEEK THEN HEED THIS WARNING" it appeared this chalk talk wasn't going to end soon so I in haste stuffed the unibond I had originally planed to use as tooth paste in my ears to avoid communication with this crack addicted bitch. Despite my best attempts to tune out the old hag and her seemingly never ending rant about the dangers on my journey to this seaside wonderland I could still make out vague details something to do with 'He Who Eats Shit' and 'The Green One' who I would meet on my journey. Yeah sounds like a bunch of nonsense to me too.