Seven

9. Test of Faith

Saturday, December 15, 2018

Raghuveer squinted at the light and mumbled his gratitude when it was switched off. He preferred the darkness, though he worried about the shadows and the hushed whispers. He had taken five lives, two more and his part of the deal would be done; he might be able to sleep in peace too. With a fogged mind and a body drenched with sweat, sleep had been difficult and intermittent.

When he woke up, it was bright and sunny, and ten in the morning. He had never slept that long, though he had never been so exhausted before.

And guilt over his behaviour with Kamakshi, added to his weariness.

Saying sorry should not be so difficult, he thought, yet that word stumbled and halted at the tip of his tongue. But he could not brazen it out either, hence the avoidance of meals with his family, which increased his guilt. He looked at Kamakshi, who had entered with his coffee, looking wan and tired.

"Did you eat dinner?"

Kamakshi shook her head and irritation bubbled in him, he had suspected Kamakshi would not have had dinner, she must have waited for him to come home. Damn it, he would have to end this stupidity of his, he was not going to have her starve for his stubbornness.

But before he could say a word, she spoke, "I wanted to remind you that today is Saturday, so..."

His intended apology morphed into a caustic retort, "Yes, so since it is dedicated to one of those useless gods, there would be no onion used today too. I would have to eat those lumpy idlis with bland chutney."

Why are you talking as this is new to us? We have been married for twenty years, and not once had you complained. And now, all of a sudden, for two days in a row you find it difficult to eat..."

"Because I am tired. I am sure your gods will not mind if you cooked what I wanted. And which idiot has deemed the days on which you cook onions?"

He knew he was being irrational and that it would only make matters worse, but somehow could not stop himself. The sight of the unshed tears in her pale face only aggravated him further and he spat out, "How many years have you been following these stupid rituals and what have they given you? Nothing—"

"I do not think it to be a sacrifice if I do not eat onions or garlic..."

"— at all. Your Gods are deaf to all your pleas. And the proof is Tarun. If your dietary restrictions are a requirement of your faith, and considering how strictly you follow it, not to mention making all of us follow it, Tarun would not be in this state. And you persist in being foolish and..."

The sound of the door slamming stopped him; Kamakshi had walked out on him. He slumped on the bed, staring at the door still swinging. It was a first; she had never walked out on any conversation or argument. He deserved it, he should be grateful that she had plunked the coffee on the dressing table before walking out, she should have thrown it on his face. But Kamakshi had rarely displayed the fiery temper he knew she possessed and he knew that he had crossed a line for he had forgotten what he had promised. He had given her his word, as long as she did not try to convert him to her way of faith, he would not stop her from. In all these years, though he had never agreed with beliefs and did tease her, he had never taunted her.

Even the days when he had not been with her, during the wars and conflicts, her beliefs had kept her brave and steady. The rock that had held kept his family together for even though his father had been an army man, apparently have a son in the army made him vulnerable. She had never wavered in her faith, in God or him. And today, he had insulted her. It did not matter that he had rebuked her faith in God, it tantamounted to ridiculing her.