Shattered Hearts

Valentines

I've always hated valentines day. I don't like the thought of celebrating it. But, no. It's not because I don't have a boyfriend. And  it's also not because my special someone doesn't like me.

And as much as I hate to say it, It's just all because of envy. Pero... hindi ko naman ginusto na maramdaman 'to. Hindi ko lang talaga mapigilang isipin na... bakit hindi na lang ako?

How can she be so lucky that the love of my life loves her? She is living the dream I wanted...

"Alyce, What do you think?" Cooper asked me. "Ano magandang ibigay kay Jaelyn?"

Jaelyn, that freaking lucky girl!

"Ano bang gusto niya? or Kahit ano namang ibigay mo eh, sigurado akong ma-aapreciate niya 'yun."

He smiled. That damn heartwarming smile.

"I have an idea now. Thanks!" he said and then left. Being friends with him is both a blessing and a curse. It's a blessing since he's the sweet to his friends that's why there are times that I get to hug him even for just a second, run my hands through his hair whenever he asked me to.

Para kahit papano sa maliliit na bagay maranasan ko man lang kung paano siya maging gano'n ka-sweet. Because if he's like that to everyone, how much more will he be to his girl, right? Those are the little moments that I treasure…

The only part that I hate is when he asks me stuff for something for his girl, just like this. But, It feels nice that he trusts me when it comes to those things.

"So, Anong balak mo para bukas?" Nina asked me. I shrugged. Dapat ba may gawin ako?

"Wala. Sa tingin ko susumpain ko na lang siguro mga makikita kong sweet bukas." I bitterly said. I don't mean it though.

"My gosh! I swear If I see you do something stupid, I'll forget that we're friends!" Maybe there's a part of me that would want to do that, but I'm not that kind of person.

Why would I ruin someone else's happiness? Even if deep down I wanted to I  would just honestly waste my time on something else.

"I wouldn't! Iiwasan ko na lang siguro sila para naman hindi ko makita kung ano yung ayaw ko."

I've already accepted the fact that he doesn't like me a long time ago. But, I can't erase the fact that I still get envious of her. And I'm not gonna lie, there are times where I wished I was the one for him... 

---

Hearts, teddy bears, chocolates, flowers and other color pink and red decorations were seen everywhere around campus.

Pupunta na lang muna ako sa room namin pagkatapos ay doon na lang din ako mananatili para maiwasan kong makita sila. Ako na lang ang iiwas para hindi na ako masaktan. Kung hindi lang talaga ako apektado doon eh! Hindi na sana ako namomroblema ngayon.

As I was making my way, of course I couldn't avoid the fact that I come across some people who were sweet to each other and giving each other stuff.

How can they be lucky when it comes to life? I don't care about the stuff part. The only thing I'm envious of is the love part. Paano nila nagagawang mahalin din sila ng taong mahal nila?

Kapag sa'kin eh lagi na lang nauuwi sa wala. Mostly one sided lang o di kaya na-fifriendzone. lang ako. That's why people who get to find someone who loves them too are very lucky and they should keep each other. It's just a rare moment for two people to love each other, or... maybe it's just for me.

Nang malapit na ako sa room namin ay napatigil ako nang makita ko si Cooper at Jaelyn na magkasama. He opened a small box in front of her and then gave her a necklace.

Sabi ko, iiwas ako sa kan'ya ngayong araw para hindi makakita ng gan'tong pangyayari, pero hindi ko rin naman pala magagawa 'yon.

Pagkatapos niyang ibigay iyon ay nagyakapan silang dalawa… It was a long and tight hug.

After they stayed in their places they finally pulled away and a wide smile was painted on his face.

They both looked so happy... I've never seen that kind of smile from him. I guess he's really in love with her and as much as I don't want to say it, they look good together…

Nabalewala ang lahat ng "Okay lang 'yan, atleast nakakasama mo siya lagi sa room." pati na rin ang minsan naming pag-aasaran at ang pagiging sweet niya sa mga kaklase namin... kasama na ako. Because what is all of his sweetness when he loves someone else.

I snapped out of my thoughts when his gaze met mine.

"Oh. Aly, Andiyan ka pala!" sabi niya. Habang ang kamay niya naman ay naakbay doon sa babae.

"Happy Valentines sa inyo…" Kahit ako ay nagulat rin sa mga salitang sinabi ko. They both smiled.

"Thank you! May ka-date ka ba mamaya?" he asked.

I absentmindedly nodded. Mayroon. Sana. Kaso may iba na siyang ka-date…

Nag-paalam na ako sa kanila tsaka naglakad paalis. Bago pa man ako makalayo narinig ko pa ang sinabi nila sa isat isa.

"I love you, Jaelyn." he told her with sincerity.

"I love you more!"

I can see how they both held their hands tightly as if they don't plan on leaving each other's side. I can only sigh in frustration.

What if that was me? Why can't it be me? Anong mayroon sa kaniya na wala sa'kin?

I keep asking myself this questions but I already know the answer. His love. 

Everytime I see them together I can't help but wonder how it feels like staying in his arms… holding his hand like that, being the one he's always excited to talk to, the one he always tell how his day went and his plans in life and the one he only bids his I love yous.

How does it feel to be loved by him?

I can only think about it and picture those scenarios in my head.

Because in reality, I'll never be the one for him.

And this day just slapped that to my face even more…

I guess that it's a sign that I should put an end to this little hopes that my heart had been pushing through from the start. Maybe I really haven't accepted the fact that I'm just this to him. And I need to learn how to. Kahit iyon man lang ang tanggapin ko. Bahala nang magpatuloy ang nararamdaman ko sa kaniya na nahihirapan akong pigilan.

Because, it doesn't mean that I love him, he has to feel the same way...

All that's left for me to do is show my love and support to him in the ways I could, and only as a friend. Kahit sa ganong paraan na lang.

It's okay if I'm not the one he liked. Atleast, he's with someone who makes him happy more than I could ever. That's what all that matters...