Do you believe me?

He Had to Have Known

As my feet moved across the concrete floor, making their way to the guidance office, I felt that I was losing my mind with every step I took. I couldn't even remember if Daniel was wearing a jacket that day in the first place. Maybe he was? No, he wasn't. I couldn't even remember now if I got hit in the face or the arm. It was the face, right? I tried to replay the day over and over again in my head. In the midst of my thoughts, class was just wrapping up which was a problem for me. Everyone began filling out of their classrooms and once again, I was being put on display for the whole school to comment at. It was amazing how much they feared Daniel during his rampage, not daring to speak a word but they were fine opening their mouths and taunting me with vicious comments now.

"It's amazing they let him back in here. I was sure the police were going to arrest him by now."

"Daniel shouldn't be the only one to take the fall, it's as much his fault too."

"He knew. He had to have known. What a psychopath."

Those were just a few of the remarks I heard as I made my way around the school. Students weren't even trying to hide their feelings around me now. They must have known that I'm not armed, so it must be okay for them to "speak their minds." But what if I did have a gun in my bag? Daniel did. And he used it.

I remember thinking about how Daniel even got a gun in the first place. I didn't even register that a gun was used to kill Cole until after it happened and was reported about on the news. Daniel didn't seem like one for violence at all.

"Just let him hit you," he told me as he ran his fingers through my hair. Although no bruise, it was clear that my head had taken a hit from another infamous locker slamming.

"Let him?" I was shocked, normally Daniel would be the type to encourage standing up for yourself. After all, isn't that what he did with Mrs. Harlow?

"People who use violence are the type that are too scared to try anything else. You don't see him trying to talk to you because his fists are all he has. So let him hit you."

"You're better than that." He stated as his hands continued running through my pin-straight hair.

"But you've hit him back before," I added as our eyes met. Daniel punched Cole in the face sophomore year and was suspended for three days. He used violence then, so why was he telling me not to now?

"Yeah, but I'm not you." He paused. "You're better than me."

I didn't quite understand what Daniel meant back then, but now I did. He too was one of those people that only had his temper, his violent streak. That was proven with his cat and mouse game with Mrs. Harlow and with the shooting. I still couldn't get over that. "The shooting". I mean, Daniel might have been violent, but so was Cole. And he didn't shoot up a building. It just seemed so out of place.

I do remember once Daniel talking about wanting to own a gun and learning how to shoot. But I didn't think he was really serious. Don't all 18-year-old boys want to know how to shoot? I didn't. But it was still a normal thought. Right?

I remember lying on his bed, stroking his hair as he was deep in thought telling me about his desire to own one and what he wanted to do with it.

"I don't know, I think having a gun would be kind of cool. Don't you think?" he said as he turned towards me, practically staring into my soul with his bright chocolate eyes.

"Not really," I said, staring back at him. "I mean, what kind of animals would you even want to shoot anyway?"

"Who said I was talking about animals?"

"Daniel, that's not funny," I said, sitting up from his bed, removing my hand from his hair. "What would you use a gun on if it wasn't meant for an animal?"

"I think Cole Crawford would look pretty nice with a bullet in his head. Don't you?" A faint smile came across his face as he said it.

"Theoretically, yes But practically? No."

"I'm only joking, Dev.," he said as his hands ran up my arm. "I'd never hurt anyone, you believe me?"

"Yeah," I replied, putting my hand on his arm. "I believe you."

"Good, I'd never hurt anyone. Especially you."

And he didn't hurt me. But he did hurt Cole with a bullet straight to the head. Like he said he would.

I began feeling nauseous. Did Daniel practically tell me what he was planning? He did, he must have. I mean he flat out said that he wanted to shoot Cole and then he did it. But I also said I wanted Cole dead. Did I do this? Between my inner thoughts to the students' whispers, I was losing my mind. I could hear them clearly talking about me as they passed. Making the same comments that Paige and the others did. Saying I was a murderer and that I should join Daniel in hell. I ran my fingers over my hair as I tried to breathe in and out, hoping that my anxiety would stop. I couldn't shake the thought that I might have been involved.

The whole school viewed Daniel and I like some kind of monsters, but the two of us never meant for any harm. All we had was each other. Throughout the bullying and isolation that high school brought, my escape was with him. It was with each other. Without him here, I was beginning to feel lost. It was sinking in that he wasn't coming back and while everyone else was praising his death, I was suffering from it. I missed him. I missed him a lot.

The people at this school didn't understand. They weren't there when we shared our first kiss. They weren't there for when he cleaned me up after I was shoved again and again into my locker. They weren't there for our late night talks, for the things we did when no one else was around. And now, Daniel wouldn't be there for any of those moments anymore.

The hallway cleared out again. It was third period now. I guess this was the part where I was supposed to go sit in guidance and probably once again get ridiculed for my "involvement" of the shooting. People really believed that Daniel and I sat there together, drawing up a huge master plan on how and when the shooting would be done. But we didn't.

No, wait. Maybe we did.