Another sleepless night. The world is silent. The darkness and the cold have now taken over. Even the pills can't make me sleep anymore. "Useless", i think to myself. Pills are nothing compared to the warmth of a hug.
I always believed hugs have a certain special power over people; After each argument, after every tear that is shed, i feel a magnetic pull towards you; as if my tears refuse to fall on my pillow because they want to fall on your shoulder. I pull the blanket on me and almost instantly, as if you sensed a movement, your seemingly sleeping body turns towards me. I feel your hand stretch and touch my cheek, your body- a shadowy form- rises over me... A kiss... A kiss leaves me wondering, surprised, whether you sleepwalk.
The past couple of months have been cold. So cold, i started feeling my heart slowly start turning into ice; the result of a freezing storm that was brought upon me. Now im lying in the darkness. I feel your warm breath upon my shoulder. Since when are you so warm? You remind me of the sunny summer days... memories i have pushed to the deepest part of my unconscious mind, memories i have hidden from myself, happy, dancing memories im not yet ready to have back on my camera roll. Its funny how my eyes refuse to close when it's time to sleep, but instantaneously shut, as if they looked directly onto the sun, when they see a picture of us. As if they no longer want to accept the warmth of the past.
The past... you are so obsessed with it. You guard your pictures like a mother guards her baby. Something i will never understand. I have now become scared of the past. Simply thinking of it feels like adding bricks to the top of a wall that is built around my heart, filled with graffiti, scratches and labels on it saying "DO NOT TOUCH".
My heart. "Useless", i think to myself. It doesnt feel much anymore. So lifeless, so empty, so cold sometimes... Even pills dont seem to make a difference anymore. Maybe our hearts have been switched? I highly doubt it. Deep down i think i know that even though brains may change, hearts always stay the same. Yet, my heart feels so alien to me now. It used to be so crowded, so full of people, so full of life. Now it feels like an ice cube with cracks. Perhaps it was dropped too many times.
You feel weird to me now, you know, after all that. Why do you hold me like that? Like you actually want me? I still cant believe you kissed my hand. No way that was a conscious action. I bet you were asleep. Maybe you were dreaming, but i highly doubt that too, unless you weren't dreaming of me. You see, im in denial. But im not sure what exactly im denying. Feeling? Believing you? Moving on from the past? Remembering it? The past was burnt for me. We were over and done. I have convinced myself of the words "no way, never again". You and i feel like ashes to me. A pair of cold ashes.
It just stopped raining. The sun will start rising any minute now. Your alarm will soon ring. Your hand just touched mine. I will leave in a few hours. But i will come back, i think... i hope. Perhaps my frozen heart still has a core of fire. Perhaps underneath those ashes there's a Phoenix. I will come back. You and I both know that. After all this winter, i admit, i still hope we can break the ice.
YOU ARE READING
Shadows
Horror"Now, you are nothing but a mere shadow of what you once were. You have become one with my inner demons. If you look me in the eyes perhaps you'll see them, and you might just see yourself. Hidden deep in the corners of my soul, bathing in fire."
