Chasing You

Chapter 1

I am soooo over this day! I sighed, finally getting to take my lunch break. I normally wouldn't be working on my birthday, but we were short handed to begin with, and I had already scheduled another off day after Mason told me his favorite driver, Kevin Harvick was going to be doing an autograph signing on Thursday, and he really wanted to go. Mason asked for very little, so how could I say no.

I thought we would have a relatively easy day at the clinic, Monday's are usually our slowest day, I just didn't anticipate the flu wiping out three of our nurses.

My earlier happy mood was completely diminished when I learned one of my favorite patients had passed away over the weekend.

I adore all of my patients, but Julie had become very special to me since she began her first round of chemo for stage four ovarian cancer six months ago. She was only a year older than me, and like me, she was also a widow, so we bonded over that. I was always warned not to get too close to my patients, especially the ones with advanced cancer, but she had such a positive light and attitude, that I was drawn in by it. At every visit, she made it a point to tell me that she had been praying for me.

Two weeks ago, she had learned that her cancer had spread, and her chemo was no longer effective, and she would be stopping her treatments. I was there when she got the news. I held her hand as we prayed together. That was the last time I saw her. I just didn't expect her to go so quickly. Life is so fucking unfair.

All morning, I had been able to contain my tears. Infusion nurses, especially those working with cancer patients, never allow patients to see them cry. It sucks, but that's how it is. You can offer compassion and comfort, but you don't get emotionally involved. It's a hard, fast rule that I had always lived by.

Sitting down to eat my lunch, I suddenly lost my appetite. The tears started, and soon the dam burst, and I was sobbing. Why is it always the young ones who have to go? People who have hardly begun to live their life. Kyle had only been thirty four when he died.

I thought about the night Kyle died. I was planning on asking for a divorce when he got off duty that night. I had had it. I couldn't deal with the constant fighting anymore It had been going on for months. The intimacy in our marriage had ended long before that. We were both going through the motions, neither of us willing to admit defeat. No more. We had gotten into our worst ever fight that morning. I couldn't do it anymore. I wanted to tell him then, but I couldn't. Not before he was about to go on duty. Still, I had said some horrible things. He said some right back. The guilt slammed into me like a truck, and I began sobbing harder. What if we didn't fight that morning? Maybe he was distracted and that caused him to be gunned down. Maybe he lost focus, and took his eyes off of the assailant for just a split second. He might still be here.

"Kels, they need...Oh no hun, what's wrong?" My supervisor Cassandra entered the break room, and saw me crying. "I know you lost a patient this morning. I know how hard that is, but you..."

I cut her off. "It's not just that, it's just...It's everything." I sobbed. I was usually so good at keeping my emotions in check. I prided myself on being strong and independent and keeping it together, I had to for Mason's sake. Something set me off. I don't know if it was hearing about Julie's passing, or the fact that the first anniversary of Kyle's death was approaching, but I felt like a basket case.

Realization flashed in Cassandra's eyes. She may have been my supervisor, but she was also my friend. "You know Kelsie, we have it under control here. Why don't you take the rest of the day off and do something with Mason. It is your birthday after all, and I appreciate you coming in today, but we've got it from here."

I smiled at her gratefully. Normally, I would have declined. I've always been told I have a very good work ethic and I am known to push through a lot of things, but this time, I agreed. All I wanted to do was go home and hug my son.

"Okay Cassie. Thank you. I appreciate it." I gave her my best attempt at a smile.

"Go wash your face off and take a few minutes, then go home." She gave me a hug, and I fought the urge to not break down again. I was not good at receiving comfort. It always made me feel weak. She broke off the embrace, and went back into her supervisor mode. "I have to get back to work. If you need anything, just call me."

I gave her another half hearted smile and went into the bathroom. I looked like a hot mess. Red, splotchy face, puffy eyes, mascara running down my cheeks. I splashed some cold water on my face. I needed to get myself together before I went home. I didn't want Mason to see me like this. I didn't want him to worry. He's just a kid. He's not supposed to worry.

******

"Mace, I'm home." I called upstairs, after letting myself into the front door.

"Mom. What are you doing home so early?" He asked from the top of the stairs with a lopsided grin.

"Well, it is my birthday, and I wanted to spend some time with my favorite guy." I forced a cheerful tone into my voice.

"Okay. Just give me a few minutes to finish this race, and I'll be right down." He promised.

Mason loved his racing games. For his birthday earlier this year, I had gotten him a new iracing set up. I knew he needed a distraction, and I did monitor him to make sure he was not spending all his time on it, but he really had a good head on his shoulders. Losing his dad had caused him to grow up way earlier than he should have, so I tried not to be too strict on him. He had found something that gave him enjoyment, and he was able to maintain a 4.0 GPA, despite all he had gone through over the last year.

While waiting for Mason to finish his race, I decided to check my social media accounts. I hadn't been on since this morning, so I had a lot of notifications, mainly wishing me a happy birthday.

I had a few direct messages, so I looked at those first. I felt my knees nearly buckled under me when I opened the first one. I saw the name Ryan Blaney with the all important blue check mark next to the name. No freaking way!

Hi. I hope this doesn't come off too creepy, but I couldn't stop thinking about the tweet from your son this morning. I was wondering if the two of you would like to come to the race this weekend as my guests.