I Burn Everything

Chapter 10: Night Time Walks

It had been a few days since I last talked to Reece.  I would saw we, but I know Phoenix has been talking to him because it's unavoidable and the fact that I keep pestering him to ask Reece when we'll go back.  Phoenix always comes back to me empty handed leaving me to question if we should even trust Reece.  He assures me that Reece knows what he's doing and that we would run into hot water if we tried doing things ourselves.  It doesn't lessen the balled up energy that I have inside me; it makes it worse.

Putting the feelings I have into words wouldn't do it justice.  I could offer a glimpse into what's going through my mind, but that's just the tip of the iceberg.  As soon as we had gotten to the clearing, I felt as if I was in a trance.  Sure it could be chalked up to the medicines I'm taking, but I know that I felt something.  Something had been calling to me that day.  It was why I was so fiercely trying to get Phoenix to see what I saw.  I know why he denied there was a fire at first; he didn't want to give in to the feelings the way I did.  He's scared of something I can tell.

The fact that there was a fire in the clearing only made me dive more into the frenzy going on inside my head.  I felt connected to that place the moment Phoenix placed my feet there and the fire cemented that.  It took all that I had in me to not roll on the ground and become one with the destruction.  My hands have been tingling ever since we left, and I keep pulling out the matches that Lily gave me.  I know I shouldn't want to lay with them and know I shouldn't be thinking about them, but I can't stop.  These matches make me feel like myself again.  I'm sure Lily must've gone through hell to get me them.

But I know Phoenix feels the same way as me (he has to right?).  Why else would he talk to Reece more than he needs to? Why else would he demand answers from him and then try to come up with his own means when Reece couldn't give?  Why else would he agree to go with us again to that clearing?  He felt it calling to him and still does.  No matter how hard he tries to conceal it, I can see right through him.

Doing nothing like this is maddening.  I feel like I'm back home again locked up in my room isolated once again.  Coming here has given me back a sense of that freedom I prayed for all those nights in my room, but I can't help but feel like a wild animal.  My energy shouldn't be caged into this room; I need to run free and leave this behind me.  I think I'm going crazy.

I know I should be getting better.  I know I should be able to fight against this.  I know I should be able to feel normal again.  I know that nothing is helping me though; I know I'm getting worse.  I need to release these pent up emotions threatening to boil over.

But I don't want to hurt anybody.  I hurt everyone I touch when I give in.  I make them burn with me.  I burn everything around me like a cyclone of destruction wherever I go.  I didn't burn Lily only because she wasn't around me for a while, but I'm scared for Phoenix.  We burn on our own, but if we come together, I'm sure it would be catastrophic.

And flames grow where there's oxygen.

I come out of my thoughts and look down at the box of matches in my hand.  I don't know how they got there.  I must've grabbed them when I wasn't paying attention.  They are the reason for my current state of mind.  I need to get rid of them to think clearly again.

I leap out of bed and march over to the trash can by the front of the room.  I hold my hand outstretched over it with my fist closed over the match box.  It hovers there waiting for me to tell it to release it's hold.  My whole body shakes, and I close my eyes.  I can't watch as I feel the box slip from my fingers and hear the clink it makes once it reaches the bottom.  I let out a shaky breath and slump against the wall.  A sob escaped my throat and tears fell from my eyes.  I pulled at my hair as I cried.