If Only

Chapter 2 : Kerem's night

Kerem wanted to leave the company early in the night because he did not have enough sleep last night. His eyes were hurting and he could not see properly, a headache was also coming. He really needed to leave as soon as possible.

But he couldn't, she was still at her desk and she was chewing her pen while swinging her feet. When she is so concerned, so focused she is so beautiful to look at. It was like we could see the inspiration coming into life between her hands and it was a delight to see it live.

But his smile was fading when he saw that Omer was still there and he has come with tea to make a pause. Kerem could not leave the office with the two of them together in his territory because this project was really bringing them closer and he could notice it.. how many times he was looking through his window office to see them laughing, touching each other fingers on the screen or papers... This had the power to give him nuts.

There was only one way to stop thinking about it. He went in direction of Volcan's office and with just one look Kerem was relieved Ceyda was outside the company.
So he started to talk to his best friend
- "Volcan what are you doing at the company?"  Asks Kerem
- "I am about to leave but you don't have your coat Kerem. I thought you were tired and you had already left the company. Oh, Oh..."  says Volcan
- "She is still here and not alone, so you can't go, for not give him satisfaction on your territory. It seems I look at an animal documentary, you are both competing for the same female so you both want to appear in your best light and shape. " Interrupted Volcan
- "No, you are wrong. I am the boss so I should go out of the latest one in the company. There is nothing to do with Ayse. We are divorced, she can work with him it is not a big deal for me" tells Kerem
- "Kerem I know you so don't lie to me. You have already crossed the red line by using Ceyda against my will. You are dying inside to see them together and working for hand by hand on one of your projects. So please don't pretend, I am here for you bro" adds Volcan
The clock rings and says it is 8 pm so Volcan starts to panic and adds
- "but not immediately. I have to go, Gonka is waiting for me and if I arrive after 8:30 I have to do the dishes and I hate it. My hands become too flabby."
Volcan runs to catch the lift and left Kerem all alone in this room.

Kerem decides to take a bowl of Fresh air before returning to the main room. He goes in direction to the terrace but there is no sound in the hallway, the company seems without life. He noticed this is the same stage as his heart. After divorcing Ayse, it was like he lost a part of himself. He doesn't know which one but he was feeling the emptiness.
He arrived outside and it was freezy weather, he forgot his coat in his office and could not decide what to do, should he go grab his coat and leave or should he wait in the frostiness and get cold so he won't see Ayse tomorrow...

But it is too much to handle even for him so he retreats and goes back in direction of his office with very slow movements because that vision of AyMer is not appealing.
More he approached, less sound there is out there and this scares him out. What if he interrupted them while they make out, while they kiss. That idea runs through his vain and a lot of emotions appear: he starts to accelerate his pace, his heart starts to tight him and he is sweating.
When he enters breathless, there is no one around and he is surprised by the vigil who makes his night round.
- "Good Evening Kerem Bey" says Ferat
- "Good Evening Ferat, have you done your tour. Does everyone go out?
- "You are the only one left here. Mrs. Ayse and her guest have just left and I decided to take my turn. I did not know you were still around. I would have waited to not disturb your work."
- "I am just going to grab my coat and leave Ferat. Good night." concludes Kerem

Kerem is pleased to hear she has left the company and she is not torturing him with Omer, but one part of him is pissed that Omer has the luxury to spend some quality times with her in the car. He did not guess to miss those conversations, those quarrels about the DJ talk show, smelling her fragrance all around him...
He misses her proximity, her love and it was difficult for him to confess to himself.

He goes back to his house with a lot of files because by concentrating on work he could control his emotions and not think about Ayse with this other man. After the family dinner, he started to look at those documents and his eyes blinked when they stayed on one single Word "Ayse".

Why was it so difficult to let her go? In their last encounters in Volcan's house and this hut, those words were easy to say, "forget me and I have never loved you" but his heart was on another symphony. Every time she was around, he could not escape her charm and he breathes her in as an addict, she was his drug.

He never knew he could be as attached to a woman as he is with Ayse. She is his sunbeam and every time he looks at her is tightened up with their first encounter.

The first time he met Ayse, he was captivated by her fierce beauty and her sassy replies. No one has ever treated him that way. Once he was talking to a girl, he could see their heart eyes, their glances, their acceptance for entering even for a second in his world. He had never met someone as Ayse who helped him grow and he was sure he will never find someone like her, being his partner in crime and in love.

Moving on would be difficult and he acknowledges it, that is why he was saying those sentences. He wished his mind could persuade his heart. Having Ceyda at his side was another proof that no one could ever meet the same expectation, excitation as Ayse, she will still own his heart and he doesn't know how he could repair it.
It was not like a business issue where money and creativity could save it all. Only time and honesty could repair a broken heart.

He had to stop his thoughts to continue in this emotional direction. Otherwise, he could not start to have a look at those files as he promised Ceyda. He had a headache but if he goes to lie down directly, he knew that he wouldn't find Morpheus' arm right away.

One knock on his bedroom resounded, he prayed mentally for not being his mother as the last time. When Yelda found out he was dating Ceyda for real, he was shocked by her happiness and her way to be. Only 15 days ago, he was married to Ayse and Yelda had never had this giant smile and that glow on her face. How could she accept easily that he moved on with Ceyda and more he could have feelings for her?
Yelda had never supported Ayse as she does with Ceyda. This reaction was hurtful for him to witness because he wonders if his mother's behavior could have helped Ayse's firm decision to divorce him.

He had a quick reminiscence of his discomfort when Yelda arrived unexpectedly and gave him ideas of Valentine's presents for Ceyda.  He was no ready for that move from her and all her ideas were too romantic and personalized for just a cover.

But he goes back to reality and says "Come in". He was not expecting his father to be at the door of his room.
His father enters with something in his hand, it was like a precious treasure by the way he is holding it.

- "Dad, what is going on? Are you okay? You seem preoccupied" says Kerem
- "Yes I am good, thanks. I have to tell you the truth. In the beginning, I was reluctant to do it but your brother convinced me that I should prove my innocence to Ayse's family. Not for Riza, I am doing it for Ayse because I consider her as my daughter and in Kenan's memory. I am sure he would have entrusted her to me. So I have hired a private detective and he found that photo of Kenan, myself and other people we used to meet up in the neighborhood. It was taken by a photograph and I did not remember that picture had been taken. I don't recognize anyone, their names, but I am sure one of them is connected to Kenan's defraud. I don't know why I talk about this with you but maybe you can have a look at this picture. Maybe you can find a connection I don't see and help me in this matter. I know you are not in good terms with Ayse and you would have preferred if she has quit your life for good. But this is important for me, it is the only one regret in my life and I want to have a final closure about it." tells Mushin
- "Ok, Dad. I will look at it but not now. I am working on those files and on those figures so I need to concentrate. But I will definitely have a look while putting the photo on his desk." concludes Kerem

After finishing his conversation with his dad, Kerem could not look into the files because his eyes were blinking so much. It was time to go to bed and he hopes he could close his eyes and falls into a deep sleep, so he wraps up the file he was working on and put it in his pannier for tomorrow.