Living In The Past

Dilemma

"Rebecca, get out." Ash slowly ordered, his voice  deformed with anger.

She must have understood that what she said was way more serious than she thought, because she quickly left, her facial features showing her lack of understanding
I was beyong shoked. Again.
But this time, it was worse. Not only he killed my boyfriend and destroyed my life, but he also made me believe a relationship was possible between us. I couldn't trust anyone in the worst moment of my life. Ash, who had been my rock, was nothing but dust. That hurt. So much.

"I need to leave" I finally said, almost blandly, breaking the heavy silence.

It took me everything to keep what was happening inside of me from blowing out. A decent poker face ! For the first time in my life !

"Please stay" Ash weakly replied.

"I don't think that's a good idea" I explained, still trying to contain my emotions.

"Let me explain"

I felt tears threatening to escape my eyes. Even with this revelation, I still had feelings for Ash. They didn't just vanish like I hoped they would. And a voice inside my head kept whispering "Maybe he's still a good guy. He seems so sincere !" But he also killed me. Kind of.

"I tried to tell you. So much time. But I just-"

"What did you do during an entire year ?" I cut him.

Now, I needed answers. I needed the truth.
I realised I was alone again, but this time, I was alone. Like really alone.

"When I got you out of your car, I fell in love with you at first sight. I just couldn't get you out of my head, and the fact I hurt you made me realise I was wrong with how I lived my life. So I gave you space to heal, physically and mentally, and waited for you. I came to NYC, kept an eye on you, and tried to deal with guilt. I decided to come and talk to you three weeks ago because I couldn't bear to see you in pain anymore. I knew it was my fault, so I told myself I was going to help you" he explained, his voice shaking.

A dilemma was tearing me apart. I was torn between those feelings I had for him, which were way stronger than I thought and the anger I felt for killing my boyfriend, and making my life a living hell for a year. The fact he seemed genuine tore me even more.

"I needed help, but not from the person who's the reason I need help. And our relationship would have been based on pity" I replied, my voice deprived of any emotion.

"No. I love you. I watched you for a year, and noticed how you deal with your customers. You smile, you talk with the old ones, laugh with the young ones. And that made me fall in love with you more and more every single day"

"That's creepy. I think it's better if we never see each other ever again"

It broke my heart to say those words. I didn't really want to leave. To be completely honest, I thought it was creepy. It was, but I also thought it was cute. I don't know why don't judge me !
I felt like I had no choice. I wanted a relationship with him, he had been so perfect to me. But now it couldn't be possible.
I felt like betraying Arthur, the guy who died for me.

"You have no idea what's waiting for you outside. Let me at least keep you safe. You won't even have to see me" he tried to convince me.

I was already broken into thousands of pieces, the scars from my past wide open again. I needed space, time and containing my emotions was harder and harder by every second. I suddenly felt like suffocating, like if my body was a prison, and my mind was the prisoner.

"I can't stay here" I said, this time with a bit more confidence.

"Your mother is cruel, and she probably already knows about us. If I let you leave, she'll kidnap and torture you. I can't let that happen" he firmly replied

"Seriously ?! Coming from you, that's rich ! I forgot you're a saint !" I angrily scoffed.

I was in pain, angry, sad, and in the same time, seeing Ash in pain made me even more miserable.
I didn't know what to do. There were so much contradictory emotions fighting in my head that I thought I might explode.
I had to think about Arthur as well. I needed to respect him for what he did, and being with Ash was disrespectful.
I saw Ash moving his hand toward me and I strongly snaped it away.

"I need to get away from you !" I almost screamed while standing up.

I couldn't contain my emotions anymore and bursted into tears.
I loudly cried for a few moments and suddenly met Ash's gaze. For a second, I saw we were both brokenhearted. He was suffering as well. I quickly looked away.

"Please" he almost whispered.

The atmosphere was unbereable. I ran away.
I slalomed between people in the corridors, still crying and turned around, only to see he didn't follow.
I ran, took some stairs, ran again. I had not idea where I was, but I was relieved to be far from Ash. I couldn't stop myself from sobbing and crying. I felt so cold and alone, in this white corridor without windows I was walking through.
Out of nowhere, someone slammed me against a wall, did a armlock, and pressed a tissu against my face. A weird odor filled my nose, and almost immediatly, I fell asleep.

Hi guys !

Sorry for the slow update, I've been very busy this week.
So what do you think ? :)

Thanks for those who vote and comment ! It means so much to me !

Love from otters !