Mackenzie

6

"It's ready!!" Jordan and Sam yelled in unison. We decided to bring back memories from when we were kids and make a fort. It seems like I should be having so much fun, shouldn't it? Well, I'm not. I mean yeah, the forts nice and everything, but I can't stop thinking about everything. it feels like my world is caving in on me. the worst part is, I can't even have fun anymore, it just seems so pointless. Life is so dull and full of shit... I wish I wasn't this way. I wish I could just escape from everything.

"Is everything okay?" Jordan asked.

"Yeah."

"What's up Mack?" Sam asked in a concerned tone.

"I'm just thinking. it's fine." I lie. it isn't fine, I want to die and be free. I'm going down this path again... I know I'll regret it later but right now it's what I need. I stand up and go upstairs to the bathroom. In a pocket, in my makeup bag, there is a small container. In that small container is a blade. The blade that I used to drag across my wrist at 3am due to depression and not feeling like I was good enough for anything. Now that feeling is back and I crave the blade dragging across my skin drawing blood. I deserve that. I'm worthless. I take the blade out of the small container and drag it across my forearm many many times and before i knew it, time flew by. I noticed that my cuts are really deep and my arm is basically covered in blood so i get some toilet paper and try to clean it up. Then i pull my cardigan back down and head downstairs.

"Oooh Mack I have a good idea!! We could get the fire pit out and make s'mores!!" Taylor said with a big smile on her face. I just nodded my head to reassure her that she can get the fire pit out. A few minutes later we had the fire pit out and were waiting for it to be ready to make our s'mores. I just sat there staring at the burning flames in silence. None of us said anything. The sound of fire was somehow really peaceful, I guess in a sense it calmed me down. It took away all the bad thoughts in my head. Then they came rushing back, i can feel the cuts on my arm stinging. They feel like they're on fire, which is completely ironic.

Sometimes I wonder why, out of anyone in the world, this happened to me. Then I think of how I deserve it, I deserve to feel like this because I am a piece of shit. I miss his touch. The feeling of his arms around my body, him comforting me when I was hurting. I look over to the side table by my bed. My empty bed. I see a picture of Luke and I... We looked happy. I miss being happy. Now everything just seems so fucking pointless.