Under the Blue Lights // Jake Kiszka

Helplessly hoping

I like being alone, I'm not much of a talker and, despite being considerably emotional, I'm not really into sharing. Cassie is. We haven't seen each other since our date last week, but we've been talking every single day.

I wake up to her 'good morning, sunshine's and go to sleep with her 'sweet dreams'. In between those, there's a lot of her stories. Cassie tells me about every tiny detail of her day, she graces me with stories about herself, her friends, family, coworkers; she tells jokes, sends pictures and memes and asks about my day.

I don't complain; I'm a good listener and it gives me a sense of comfort knowing someone cares about me like she does, that someone feels the need to talk to me. Before her, Jake was this person. He still is, but it's different with him. We're best friends, nearly family. Cassie, on the other hand, is into me and I still don't get why.

She says I'm sexy. From the moment she saw me, and I quote, she "couldn't stop thinking about me." Jake said she's right, that I am indeed sexy. Hearing those words come from his mouth made my heart beat inside my throat, the idea of him seeing me as a woman, a real woman and not Lizzy, his best friend, seeming unrealistic.

It was his idea to invite Cassie to Joe's this Saturday night and she absolutely loved it. "Nothing better than having our second date where we met," she said. It's still kind of weird to me though, uncomfortable even, going with her and Jake to the same pub we left together a couple of weeks ago to live an adventure; one that put Jake in a completely different light for me.

"The black one," he says, pointing to the dress in my right hand. He's sprawled on his bed then, a book in his hand as Stephen Stills plays from his record player. I'm by his door, a towel hugging my body, makeup full on already, my stomach churning in anxiety. "Why are you putting so much effort into this?" He asks. "It's only Joe's."

It's a fair question. My Joe's outfit usually consists of a T-shirt, mom jeans and sneakers, very appropriate for a beer with my best friend down the street, but not exactly for going out with the most alluring girl I've seen in my life.

"She always wears a dress and makeup for Joe's. I just wanna balance our looks," I reply, and he seems content with my response.

It's really just me worrying too much. Cassie doesn't care, she actually likes my style - or so she says -, but she is so beautiful, I feel like I need to be on par with her, especially because I know everyone will be looking at us, we're a gay couple, after all.

Jake senses my nervousness as we walk down the street, the chilly night air surrounding us making me rub my hands against my arms, the hem of my dress waving slightly making me regret wearing it.
"You alright?" He asks, crossing his arm around my shoulders, his skin warm against mine causing a shiver.

"I'm fine, just not used to this, you know? Dating, especially a girl."

"You're thinking about the last time we were together there, aren't you?" He asks, reading my mind like he does.

"Yeah, that too."

Jake stops me, the pub's door merely a few steps ahead of us, the street lights washing us in yellow. He places his hands on my shoulders, his eyes deeply connected to mine. "Lizzy, you're not afraid I'll try anything with her, are you?"

"Oh my God, Jake." I laugh, I have to. "I would never think you'd do something like that to me. I'm just a bit embarrassed about all of this."

"Don't be. There's nothing to be embarrassed about." Jake engulfs me in his arms, the familiar musk invades me and I close my hands tight around his shirt, taking a deep breath, my stomach twisting.
Cassie is waiting for us by the bar already; a smile lights her face when she spots us and she raises a glass at me, full of a red drink. Her hands find my waist once I stop in front of her, her lips leave a tingling touch on the corner of my mouth. She looks beautiful, her dark hair parted to the side, framing her face perfectly, the dress looks like it was made specially for her.