Call me by my real name

November

"To be honest, I can't do anything without Instagram. It's like my frame of reference." Brittney looks up from her phone and stares at the ceiling. "Sometimes my eyes just get so tired from checking my followers and comments and feed that I like to just look up. That's why I never got my eyes fixed."

I ask her what she means. 

"I'm sure you've seen me with my glasses." 

Yeah, I have, but I thought it was just a fashion choice. 

"My vision's actually terrible, I'm 0.2 on the right and 0.1 on the left. I'm practically blind without my glasses. But sometimes it's just easier to be unable to see. When I walk on the street, I don't want to be aware that anyone is looking at me. There are times when I literally can't handle the idea that people are judging me. It gets so tiring; I need a break. It feels good and refreshing to be unable to see the faces of everyone else around you – you feel anonymous. So sometimes, even if it's a pretty dumb idea, I just take off my glasses. It's easier that way, and I also have control." She quietens down and runs her hand through her blond hair. "Kaylie, ignorance really is bliss. And I've realized a long time ago, that it's okay to have a bit of bliss." She breathes out and closes her eyes. 

05.11.2020

**** 

My real name? What do you mean? 

Oh, you mean my Korean name? 

Paik Yeheun. 

What does that have to do with anything though? If I want to be called Kaylie, I will fucking be called by Kaylie. 

Why does it matter what the real meaning is? 

I turn around to answer TMI-Tom's question, when one of her other leggy friends call her out. "Brittney! Come on bitch! Let's go get lunch." Okay, never mind, I guess she'll just live without the answer. 

Oh welp. 

*** 

I should be excited to be living in a new city, with new friends, no rules, and in a new school. But I'm not. I don't know. I really don't know.

I should be thankful; I should be ready. But I'm not.

It's not that I'm scared, I just feel empty.

I miss everything about Korea. Everything from the fine-dust and occasional yellow haze that cover the top of the skyscrapers, to the grey subways and 24hour restaurants. 

I want to go back to when I would wake up and hear voices of my family. I don't want to wake up alone. I want to be able to eat with others whenever I want to. I miss being able to annoy them, just for fun. 

I wish I took more time to enjoy those moments and cared less about school and grades. Thinking back on it now, none of that shit really mattered. It really doesn't matter. 

11.11.2019