Stella, My Star

10

Within hours, the I.S.F. Destructor is ready for its mission, and predicted battle. The crew are briefed and fully prepared for their roles. We have steered the ship far beyond the territory of Concordia and have met the I.S.F. Berserker in our shared journey. Captain Rex Brock is at the helm, whom you affectionately call "the Lone Wolf", a nickname from your old space academy days.

After overseeing communications all morning in my supportive role, I suggest you seek some lunch. But you stay focused, rubbing your brow, and remaining in your place at the bridge until you are satisfied all departments on board are fully at the ready. At least another hour later, you give in to your hunger.

"Gelding, take command, Lieutenant Wood and I are out for lunch." I stop what I am doing at the desk with Louisa, Gelding's rec room interest, and follow you out the sliding door.

We move with an air of authority through the corridors, but despite our self-assured strides, I can't help but notice the anxiety in the faces of some female crew members as we pass. My stomach is churning.

"I'm glad you decided to stay in the fleet uniform, Stella. That means a lot to me."

"It won't last when we get to Blood Diamond. Enjoy your control while it lasts."

You smirk, and once around the corner, we enter a lift, away from crew eyes.

Inside, you stare directly at me.

"What?" I ask. You smile and shrug.

"Just wondering why these lifts have to be so fast. Some quality time with Lieutenant Wood would be rather desirable."

"You have me for lunch."

"Mmmmmm....have you for lunch..."

I am shaking my head as we exit.

"You sure we haven't met before? I swear I know you from somewhere."

For the most part, we sit in stony silence as we eat. Back to captaincy mode. There is so much going through that brain of yours, and I feel helpless to change or relieve that.

"Forgive my naivety, but how dangerous is this mission compared to others you've been on?"

"No more or less than any other we have been assigned. This time is a little different for me, taking women into a danger zone. No matter how skilled they are."

"Only because it's your first time." I respond, taking the fork slowly out of my closed mouth, trying to play on your level again for awhile.

I raise a smile.

"Thankyou for the stockings."

You rest your chin on your hand.

"You're welcome. I did owe you. And I couldn't stand walking around my ship with your eyes shooting daggers at me 24/7 because I didn't come through with the goods."

A long pause. It is awkward.

"I loved the rose. Being so rare, it must have cost you a fortune. You really shouldn't have."

"Why not, Stella? Why shouldn't you get flowers and gifts like other women? Your training, your position shouldn't define you. You are as feminine as any other woman on this ship."

I am frozen in thought, cutlery in hand, as your fingertip touches mine and then taps it lightly.

"You need to let people in through that tough exterior of yours."

I consider your words. "That's too dangerous."

Another obvious silence.

"Sorry. I have to go. Need to catch up with a few crew members. Part of being the Captain. Please don't take it personally. I'll see you soon."

I am left at the table alone, your words turning through my head. I don't want to forget the things you say to me. I need them, like I need breath. I currently exist for this kindness.

I rise from the table and disappear to the nearest bathroom. I stare at myself in the mirror and the tears come from nowhere. Why can't I share with you what I know, what I feel? How do I calm Gelding? And what have I done to these women sending them into alien territory? My own anxiety causes me to vomit.

That night, I dream. My earth memories and knowledge find the surface. I am walking through a field of flowing wheat, that is swaying in an undulating motion. I am dressed in a long white see-through dress, naked underneath, my arms drifting behind, touching the tips of the crop. The sky is a calm, azure blue. There are no enemies, no weapons, there is no leather, no makeup to hide behind. My hair is long, loosely braided to the side, and over my shoulder. I am barefoot on the soft soil. I close my eyes to the cool breeze. I am thinking of you.