w 1 t n e s s

fifteen

Numb was one way to describe the following week. After that, I stopped caring. It was time to focus on work, not some stupid boy who was too busy to realize what he was missing. He'd been the one to walk out of my life. He'd made his choice.

Of course, it still hurt. It hurt to know he chose secrets over me. It hurt to know I wasn't good enough for him to trust. And it hurt to think that maybe I'd been minuscule and unimportant the entire time. After all, weren't couples supposed to work through fears together? Not hide skeletons in the closet like the secrets would absolutely destroy his life. I was sad, then I was angry. But now I'd just accepted it.

Two weeks into summer camp and I was exhausted. I didn't remember the work being so tiring. My only escape was talking to Kirby and Emily. I was alone in the big house now, but via Group FaceTime, I was able to talk to my two friends over dinner every night. It was a nice false reality that made me feel less lonely. I hadn't told either of them what had really happened. They both knew Tyler and I had fallen out, but not over what. Kirby wouldn't see Tyler again until September, so it wasn't like he'd be talking to his teammate.

Sometimes, it was just Kirby and I talking. Emily was always off with Luke, or whoever her fling of the day was. If her non-committed ways bothered Kirby, he never showed it. Of course Emily hadn't stayed with him. She never did. I loved the girl to death, but it wouldn't kill her to try and settle down for a month. I was surprised Luke was even still around.

I settled into my daily routine after a few days of camp. I woke up early, went for a vigorous swim, showered, got dressed, and bundled off to camp for the next fifteen hours of my day. I wasn't an overnight counselor, which I was glad of. It gave me a little leeway to do what I wanted at home. That was, as long as I wasn't passed out by eight. Nights were less routine. I called Kirby or Emily when I could, then I'd do a number of rotating events. Sometimes Netflix, sometimes I'd take a nap, sometimes I'd read a book, sometimes I'd go for a walk. It was whatever I felt like doing. But I always called Kirby.

Maybe I held onto him because he was my last real connection to Tyler. Maybe he was a memory of what could've been. Whatever the reason, Kirby was the friend I hadn't known I'd needed. He made stupid jokes that always made me laugh. He told me funny stories about the team whenever I was down. He talked about his childhood and his family. Already a step up.

I knew him so much better than I ever knew Tyler. It made me realize that maybe Tyler and I hadn't meant to be together. That we had been rushing things. Stupid teens who thought they knew what they wanted. Oh how naive I was. Why didn't I see how closed off he was? Was it his looks, his charm, his skills? All of it had fooled me into thinking Tyler Dewalt was a good person. That he wasn't narcissistic and self-serving. Because whatever was up with the truth about his life, he didn't tell me to preserve his image. He didn't want me letting the cat out of the bag about whatever he was hiding. In the end I was nothing more than a pawn in his business moves.

For the most part, he stayed out of my head. I worried about the kids at camp and what the lunch menu was. I occupied my mind with bandaging scrapes and handing out sunscreen. There was still an underlying numbness to all my actions. If Emily were here, I knew she'd notice immediately. No one at camp did. They didn't know me in the same way.

Where the summer months went, I didn't know. One day it was July first; and the next it was August twenty first. I said my goodbyes to the kids I'd grown close with, taking some pictures and promising I'd see them the next year. And then I was cleaning the house, packing my bags, and leaving Kiawah. Seeing the shore in my rear view mirror was a different kind of heartbreak I'd never get over.

This school year, Emily and I had decided on an apartment. The two-bedroom space was off campus, in a section well populated by students. I was immediately fond of the cozy living area. If this was going to be my home for the next nine months, I couldn't object.