Reality in Motion

symbolic

As much as he hated being trapped in a conference room, he did have to admit that it could be worse. At least the floor to ceiling windows allowed him to see what was going on in the main control area. And the small television screen in the upper corner of the room was playing a live feed of Bucky's fishbowl being locked down in one of the secure rooms in the building. He caught sight of the back of Q's head as she stepped into frame for a moment with the other guards, but he couldn't hear what anyone was saying. One slight downfall to being on the apparent wrong side of the situation. He was now delegated to being a passive observer.

While he was still hurt by Q's lie, he was relieved to see that she had managed to get out of Bucky's apartment relatively unscathed. In all honesty, once the fight moved out into the hallway and then outside, his priorities had shifted. She wasn't the most important thing for him to protect. Once the dust had settled, his thoughts and concern turned back to her - a little bit of guilt edging itself in before he was reminded of the giant lie she had kept from him. He had a hard time deciding which emotion to let take over: the guilt of leaving her behind or the bitterness of being on the opposite side of another one of her secrets. And this one was the biggest one.

He had spent the ride to Berlin half stewing in his annoyance and frustration at the situation, and half stewing in the similar emotions that came from learning Q's secret. He was angry and frustrated at both Q and himself. He shouldn't have just accepted her return to the compound so easily. But he was too blind by his love and relief to have her home that he refused to look any more into it. She loved him so she came home, that was all that mattered. If he had taken a second to talk to her more, really pull at the thread that was dangling right there, maybe he would've learned her secret sooner.

She had told him that she had tried to tell him. And while she was probably right, he couldn't think of a time where she had. There was no definite moment for him that stuck out where she had been trying to tell him something and had gotten interrupted. Yet time, once again, had seemed to inadvertently gotten in the way. Again. It had kept him from so many things, taken so many things from him and only ever gave him little.

Just as time had taken Bucky from him, only to give him back, then take him away again - only to do it all over again, the same had happened with Q. She had been so close, then so far and now he understood why. Just a little too late. Per usual.

He had always known Q was a secretive person. Kept things close to her chest so that she could be protected. Self-preservation. The two of them were more alike than they realized. Yet, where Steve had managed to open himself up enough to let her in, she had proven time and time again that she couldn't. When he managed to open one door, there was always another locked door behind it.

This one secret - the one about her relation to Bucky, was the last straw. The biggest secret that broke the camel's back. He was tired of it. Tired of all the lies, the secrets...all of it. He loved her, but he was so tired of constantly being blindsided by the things she refused to tell him. There was almost no point in trying to make it work anymore. Clearly, she was never going to be her whole, authentic self with him.

Maybe he would feel differently if he ever got a chance to have a real conversation with her. The one they had in Bucky's apartment was barely a conversation. Just apologies that didn't mean anything quite yet. They had barely gotten a chance to talk about it and the fallout that would come. He wasn't sure if they ever were going to get to. What with him semi-arrested by the CIA for obstruction of justice and acting outside of the Accords, and her working with the CIA to find all of them guilty - or at least that's how she appeared to be.

"Hey, you wanna see something cool?" Tony's voice pulled him from his thoughts. He turned away from the television screen to watch Tony walk into the conference room. As he walked around one side of the table, Steve walked around the opposite. They were now literally on opposite sides, "I pulled something from Dad's archives. Felt timely." he held up a slim case that was decorated with a simple gold edge, "FDR signed the Lend-Lease bill with these in 1941." Opening up the lid of the case he showed off the two ballpoint pens that were nestled inside, "Provided support to the Allies when they needed it most." he glanced at Steve to see his reaction to the pens and the story behind them.