Hermittpad Oneshots

hermittpadders as incorrect quotes

sorry in advance for the abundance of poultry man, but so much of it just screams his character

~**~

Hatchling: Why is everyone so obsessed with top and bottom? Honestly, I would be excited just to have a bunkbed!

Derpy:

Jingler:

Willpower: I'm gonna tell them-

Poultry Man: Don't you dare

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Magic Maker: I'm not doing too well.

Magic Maker: I have this headache that comes and goes.

Poultry Man: *walks into the room*

Magic Maker: Oh look there it is again

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Jangler: Hey, do you think I could fit fifteen marshmallows in my mouth?

Sherlock: You're a hazard to society

Scarlette: And a coward. Do twenty.

~**~

Poultry Man: I'm gonna play a song for you right now.

Poultry Man: It's called "my life so far"

Poultry Man: *takes a deep breath, plays a chord*

Poultry Man: *SCREAMS*

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Quesa: I can either bake these cookies for ten minutes at 400 degrees or for one minute at 4000 degrees

PM: That's not how it-

Quesa: HOW ABOUT 4000000 FOR ONE SECOND

PM: QUESA NO

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Evil X: You're smiling, did something good happen?

NPC Grian: I can't smile just because I feel like it?

Snake: Robot Grian tripped and fell in the park.

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Darklockette: I can't believe we're stuck in this room together

Scarlette, swallowing the key: Truly unfortunate

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Jingler: You look nice, I want to kiss you

Poultry Man: What?

Jingler: I SAID IF YOU DIED I WOULDN'T MISS YOU

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Azael: I've done a lot of dumb stuff.

Niza: I witnessed the dumb stuff.

Hapy: I recorded the dumb stuff.

Ary: I joined you in the dumb stuff.

Poultry Man: I TRIED TO STOP YOU FROM DOING THE DUMB STUFF!

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Snake: When I said you should try being friendlier this isn't what I meant

Crooked, stirring a cup of tea passive aggressively: Oh so now I'm being TOO friendly? There's no pleasing you

Burglar who just broke into their house an hour ago: Two sugars please

Crooked: Coming right up

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Jangler: *gets down on one knee*

Azael: Oh my Notch, it's finally happening

Jangler: *ties shoelace*

Azael, tearing up: They finally stopped wearing fricking crocs

~**~

Magic Maker: From now on, we'll be using code names

Magic Maker: You can address me as "Eagle 1"

Magic Maker: Jingler, codename "Been there done that"

Magic Maker: Darklock is "Currently doing that"

Magic Maker: Jangler is "It happened once in a dream"

Magic Maker: Scarlette is "If I had to pick a gal"

Magic Maker: and Poultry is.....

Poultry Man:

Magic Maker:

Magic Maker: Eagle 2

Poultry Man: Oh thank Notch

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Nethered: You think you can betray us, threaten our lives and then just come back?!

Watchers: Would you be surprised if I said yes?

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Distract5r: Can you pass me the pepper

Observ5r: What's the magic word

Distract5r:

Distract5r: *begins chanting in standard galactic*

Observ5r, panicking: JUST TAKE IT OH MY NOTCH

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Poultry Man: Can you do me a weird favor without asking any questions?

Crooked: Isn't that the bedrock upon which our friendship is founded?

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Darklock: I mean, small creatures are way more vicious. It's because their anger has less space to be bottled up in.

Sherlock: Ridiculous, give me one example of this.

Jangler: Spiders.

Scarlette: Wasps.

Magic Maker: Terriers.

Poultry Man: Sally.

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Sally: Let me see what you have

Muffy: A knife!

Sally: Okay have fu-

Poultry Man: NO

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Sherlock: How do PM and Sally usually get out of these messes?

Darklock: They don't. They just make a bigger mess that cancels the first one out.

~**~

Snake: Did you have to stab him?

Crooked: You weren't there. You didn't hear what he said to me.

Snake: What did he say?

Crooked: "What are you going to do, stab me?"

PM: That's fair.

~**~

Sally: I drink to forget but I always remember.

PM: You're drinking capri-sun

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PM: I wasn't injured. I was lightly stabbed.

Niza: I'm sorry. You were stabbed?

PM: Lightly stabbed. I didn't want to frighten you

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Guy: You can say "Have a nice day!" without a problem

Guy: But you can't say "Enjoy the next 24 hours" without sounding vaguely threatening.

PM: How did you get into my cave?

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Robot Grian: I'm a confident driver.

Evil X: You almost ran over NPG.

Robot Grian: I did it with confidence, though.

~**~

i'll be back with more