Hermittpad Oneshots

hermittpadders as incorrect quotes the fourth

Jungle Bandit: You call it really bad at darts, I call it freestyle acupuncture

Badtimes: Sir I'm going to have to ask you to leave the bar

~**~

New villain, on the communicator: We have him

Isk: Who

Villain: We have your friend, G

Isk: Oh

Villain: "Oh"?

Isk: Yeah, you don't have him, he has you. Good luck *hangs up*

~**~

Poultry Man: If you ever meet someone who calls Gatorade flavors the actual name of the flavor instead of just the color they are 100% a villain

Evil Parrot, first showing up: Ya but you gotta specify.... frost glacier freeze or cool blue, you can't just say "blue" because there's more than one blue....

Beaks: Blue and light blue nice try criminal

~**~

Crooked: No, I just ate a salad. It tasted okay. I ate a salad. Crooked never eats salad. Crooked doesn't like vegetables. wHAT IS HAPPENING.

Snake, backing away slowly: Exorcismus te omnus-

~**~

PM: Stab wound? You mean extra pocket.

~**~

Crooked: People who tell me I shouldn't drink lava: the media. People who lie: the media. Conclusion: I am going to drink lava

Niza: I am a geologist with no association to the media and I would not recommend drinking lava

Hapy: Get a load of Big Geology trying to oppress the voice of the people. Teach the controversy. Drink the lava.

~**~

Beaks: Every time I go to a hotel, I take a bite out of the soap bar to confuse the cleaning staff!

Jungle Bandit: Hey, Beaks, real quick what the actual fuck

Magic Maker: You do realize that by actually biting a chunk of fucking soap you are, in fact, the one losing

Azael: Y'all are just jealous he's brave enough to munch on the forbidden chocolate

Beaks, eating a bar of soap: I'm living

Gman: So what does the forbidden chocolate taste like?

Beaks: Soap

~**~

Hapy: I put the "sexy" in "dyslexia"

Hapy:

Hapy: Fuck

~**~

i know both of them are pretty inactive but it will forever be hermittpad's canon lesbian otp so shut up

Scarlette: I don't even want to talk to her until I know for sure she's gay

Sally: *walks up to Scarlette* Excuse me? What color lipstick are you wearing?

Darklock: Oh, I don't wear lipstick. Just chapstick.

Sally: Oh, nice

Sally: *brushes past Scarlette* Gay.

~**~

Evil Xisuma: HYDRATE OR DIE-DRATE!

EX: *aggressively throws water bottles*

Poultry Man: Uh......

Hue: He's trying to yell mental health and wellbeing into us.

EX: I APPRECIATE ALL OF YOU!

MM: *crying* it's working

~**~

FPM: Okay, let's stop using the term "butthurt." We aren't twelve anymore

Crooked: You sound fannytroubled.

Robot Grian: A little bootybothered if you ask me.

Snake: Someone's having a tushytantrum.

~**~

Sally: Onion rings are just vegetable doughnuts.

PM, used to Sally: Sure they are, Sal.

Sally: Your stomach thinks all potatoes are mashed

PM: Okay

Sally: Lasagna is just spaghetti flavored cake

PM:

Sally, oblivious: Lobsters are mermaids to scorpions

PM: *crying* Sally please stop

MM, fascinated: No, continue, please

~**~

Isk: Smol! Have you seen the thing?

Smol: What thing?

Isk, running about and answering distractedly: You know the thing! I seem to have misplaced it and it's of great importance...

G, bouncing into the room: Hi Isk!

Isk: Ah! There it is!

Smol: ....

Smol: You lost G?

~**~

PM: Why would you give a knife to a child??

JB: Beaks felt unsafe.

PM: Now I feel unsafe!

JB: I'm sorry

JB: ..... would you like a knife?

~**~

Sally: I trust PM.

Beaks: You think he knows what he's doing?

Sally: I wouldn't go that far.

~**~

ft. the "gender is fcuk" crew

"Were you born a boy or a girl?"

Evil Parrot: Bold of you to assume I was born at all

Jingler: I personally was created in a lab

Snake: Just straight up spawned

Nethered: Our lord and savior Anubis threw me up

Crooked: I was summoned

Malice: Just popped into existence like a theoretical particle

Cram: My existence is a figment of your imagination

G: Found in a cabbage field

Isk: I lost my memories when I came to this dimension

JB: I'm just a rock that grew legs

~**~

when the parrot child went to go rescue sally from aurelia the watcher

Aurelia: What are your pronouns?

Evil Parrot: What's a pronoun?

Aurelia: Indicative but not exclusive to gender identity

Evil Parrot: Don't swear at me

Aurelia: May I refer to you as they/them?

Evil Parrot: but my name's Parrot Fury

Aurelia, giving up and calling to Sally: WHAT ARE THE PARROT CHILD'S PRONOUNS???

Sally, wheezing despite being imprisoned: oh we usually use they/them