The abused loving their abuser

How it all started.

First thing is i love you. i know you may snicker at me, after saying this. but its true. regardless of what you have done to me or even at me. i have always loved you. i never cussed you out. i never really seen a reason to, to be honest. i cant control what other may have to say about you and i wouldnt want to control them. cause that is their own opinion. everyone deserves that. for their opinion to be acknowledged.

i don't know why you hate me. why you have faught so hard to not have a relationship with me. and yes you have. i have asked and begged to have a relationship with you. hell I've even gave you almost everything you wanted. just to even get close to known what a relationship with you would be like.

i am not the same person i was when i was a teenager. i have grown up ALOT!! it was hard to do, but i did it all on my own. i didn't know the world. had know clue of how it was. you never sat down with me, to teach me things. the only the thing i ever learned from you. was how to cheat on my husband. how to get away with it. how to envolve my kid in the cheating.

i didnt know how to clean a home properly. didn't know how even cook dang noodles. hell i burnt water at the begining. i always wanted to learn how to make biscuits with you. that was one of my favorite things that i remember you cooked. and yes you of all people cooked when i was much younger. you stoped though as soon i think as you started working at the chicken plant. i use to hate that smell of dead chickens. i didnt want to have anything to do with chickens for a long while cause of that dang smell. when you started working at the daycare. i thought it was the coolest thing. at first that is. knowning my mother knew everyone. kids and parents. getting to swim when we wanted was awesome. but.... as i said " at first ". eventually it would get worse.

i was bullied on a daily basis cause you didnt just know the kids and parents. you also knew their fathers really well. from what i was told and from what i seen. i had so many people bully me cause you was having affairs with their fathers, and made their family seperate getting a divorce. so yea being bullied and my mother being called a ho on a daily basis was a everyday normal thing for me. i would never tell you this, cause i knew how you would get. upset and pissed off. not at the fact, of what was said by others. but of what wasnt ( apparently ) said by me. your my mother! what was i supposed to say?? i had know clue what to say. and even if i did say something to them. i was scared about getting in trouble at school, and having to deal with your " i dont care or give a dame " attitude about it all.

but i know...

your probably thinking " what the hell am i reading? " or " why am i reading this shit? "

this is just thoughts that i have. and wish one day i could tale you.

know matter what you have done to me. i still love you.

when you stood their and watched my father beat me.

and didnt do anything to stop him..

i still love you

when you spent more time with a new man almost every day more than you would spend time with me...

i still loved you...

know matter what you do

im still gonna love you

which i have never understood that myself..

people have asked me all the time " why dont you say this or that about her? "

im just like i cant... shes my mother

she has done what she done... but shes still my mother...

i wish i could ask you how your day went? while you actually speak with me about it. not just say " good ", and thats all. i feel like you blamed me for your divorce. when in fact it had nothing to do with me. the one time i had an ooppss moment. of my father asking me how was my mothers friends doing. while i said " which one the pair shaped head guy or the guy with all the kids? i done lost count. " yea that might have came out of my mouth but i was never told to NOT say anything. it was one of those brain fart moments, when it just sliped out. im not the blame for your declining marriage. that started way before then. you did all that. the guy with the pair shaped head. literally he did have a head shaped like that. he had a daughter. i thought for a moment, i was like cool maybe i can know what its like to have a little sister in the house. i always wanted another sibiling in the home with me. either way it went, the fault is not on me. let alone you should have never ( if you ever did ) put the blame on a kid for a declining marriage.

you always told me that the main reason why you always brought my father back to the house was apparently because of me. that you thought i needed him in the house to. but you know what??? you never asked me what i wanted.

everyday hurts that i dont have you in my life. that i could at least talk to you, without you think that i would want something out of it. of all people... me. when i need to have a relationship with someone i dont always need to have something out of it. i never understood that with you. no matter what anyone has said about you or to you. i have always wanted to be near you. everyone has their opinion. but it has never strayed my thoughts, or even my mind. i still to this day love you. but will you ever know that? will you ever understand that what i feel is real and not fake? i guess not or at least it may be at the last minute.

i seen you today in walmart. while me and my family was grocery shopping. once i seen your eyes, everything else vanished. the eyes of pain and torture. that i dealt with for many years, thats all i could see. i made sure to say it loud enough that she could hear as well as the girls could hear me. saying " girls this is your grandmother. your na na. " they looked at you and then said hey. all you said was " hey girls. " that was it and then walked off. really walked off?? nothing else was said to the girls, me or even kim. i will give you this. at least you did say hey to kim and hey to the girls. but you said nothing to me. i texted you later, to see why you just walked off. all you said was " so now your trying to tale me what i need to be doing. and besides the girl looked at you like should i say hey or not. and they acted scared to death. "

i dont know and at least have know clue as to what made you say that. what made you only say hey to the girls. damn its been 10 and 11 years since you have seen them. they was only 3 and 4 years old the last time you was even around them. and thats all you could say?? wow your a piece of work. no hug, kiss on the chick, no asking them how they have been, how are they doing in school, NOTHING!!!!!! you had the chance to speak with them and you did nothing. you fucked that up i didnt. yes i may have had control over the fact of us being there. but i didnt move i just let it happen. YOU HAD CONTROL OVER YOUR MOUTH. YOU COULD HAVE SAID SOMETHING TO THEM. TO LET THEM KNOW THAT YOU EVEN CARED. BUT YOU DID NOTHING!!!!!! YOU WALKED THE FUCK AWAY FROM THEM, LIKE YOU ALWAYS DID. and now i have to pick up the pieces, like i always had to. cause im their mom and i WONT treat them like you have. EVER!!!!

many times this day has kept going thru my mind. what could have happened or what could have been done. but now that i read over what i wrote before /\. you have told so many people that i apparently walked away from my oldest daughter. Walked away form her while she was on your porch. Which is a lie but you put this together, with what you actually did. It kind of makes more since now. you know i didnt walk away from her. but yet you walked away from the 2 youngest ones and try to tell everyone ( and my oldest daughter ) lies about what really happened that day. its wild when you think about all of this. all the lies you have said and told people. just to get what you want, let alone need and you have been doing this for many years now. so much so, that i think you actually have started believeing in your lies.

i saw you again, yesterday. i was coming out of my doctors office. after having an appointment, finding out that i have a tumor in my brain and its been growing for years. wish i would have been able to tale you. but i knew if i tried to tale you. you would just had shuned me off. acting like you dont care... you was walking out side to your car and getting grocerys out of a red car putting them in the trunk. i dont know why you would be getting grocerys from someone else to put in your house. you should be able to do that on your own. but thats just my opinion. again it was odd seeing you there. how much i wanted to go over there and just give you a hug again.... but i know that wouldnt happen. cause you wont let it happen. thats twice so far i have seen you this month.