All The Things I Want To Say But Can't

the thrill of it all

is that I'm trying.

Every day, I lay in bed wondering

how high I can count before

I can get the gumption to get up.

I wonder how many more days

I'll have to go before I get the call

to come to work again.

I worry that my family

truly hates every part of me

and only tolerates me for my lover.

My lover constantly asks me 

if I'm okay

because I constantly look like

I need a hug,

and I lie to him.

I tell him I'm fine when

I'm really not okay

but it's easier to brush off my discontent

and exhaustion

than to be honest and tell him that

I feel like my entire world is falling apart.