Walking Fragile Lines

I Hate Me

It was evident that Bessy had spent the night with Liv when she didn't return to her home the evening before, and Brian was only glad Liv wasn't alone. He had stayed up the whole night, piecing together what he had done and hoping that it was all some sort of huge misunderstanding. But it wasn't. The whole night came flooding back to him, haunting him as he lay silently in Joe's guest room, wondering how Liv was and how he was ever going to make this right. He then thought of his ex girlfriend Mallory for the first time in years and how he had felt when she had done the same thing to him. She had made him feel completely worthless, like he didn't even matter and that everything they had was a lie, and he loathed himself for having made Liv feel the same way. He swore he would never hurt someone the way he had been hurt himself, and he never imagined he would ever hurt Liv.

The next morning, Brian made his way downstairs, helping himself to a cup of coffee as he sat alone silently in Joe's kitchen. He saw no point in laying in bed when he wasn't even sleeping. It was 6am on a Sunday morning and no one in the Gatto household was awake yet, and so Brian took the time alone to think more on what he could do to make things right - he knew he couldn't fix this with flowers, or a surprise vacation, or a spontaneous romantic night out. But then his mind turned its back on him, and he began to wonder if Liv had told their kids what he had done. He wondered if he had upset Maci and Zac just as much as he had upset Liv and he couldn't bear to picture their little faces if they knew. He had not just cheated on Liv, he had betrayed his children. And then he wondered if his parents knew, and could only imagine their disappointment in him. His parents had been of such huge support to him when he himself had been betrayed in the most terrible of ways - how must they feel to know that he had now done that same thing to, not only someone he loved, but someone they loved dearly too?

"Uncle Q?", Milana's small voice suddenly startled him.

"Hey sweetheart", he forced a chuckle. "What are you doing up so early?", he asked.

"I was thirsty", she told him simply. Brian got up out of his seat to pour Milana a glass of water before handing it to her as she joined him at the table. "Uncle Q?", she said again. Brian looked at her expectantly as he waited for her to continue. "Why are you sad?", she asked. Brian sighed as he scratched his head. Was it really that obvious?

"Well I - uhh - I did something stupid. And - and it really upset your Aunt Liv. So - I guess I'm sad that I made your Aunt Liv sad", he tried his best to explain.

"You should give her a big hug", Milana suggested as she smiled sweetly at him. Brian smiled warmly at her before ruffling her hair. He wished it was that simple, and he wished Liv would even allow him to hold her.

"Go and get yourself some more sleep sweetie", he winked. Milana nodded, jumping down from her seat as she scurried back up the stairs. And the encounter had only made him miss his own family more. He wondered if Liv had been able to sleep. He hoped she had, but he knew her well enough to know that she probably hadn't, and he ached to know that it was all his fault.

A few hours later, both Joe and his children were awake and had joined him downstairs. Milana and Remo were playing nicely in the living room whilst Joe sat with Brian at the dining room table.

"How did you sleep?", Joe asked.

"I didn't", Brian told him as he sighed. "Do you think I should call her?", he asked.

"Honestly? No", Joe told him honestly. "What Liv needs more than anything right now is time. You've gotta let her have it buddy", he continued. Brian nodded, both understanding and agreeing, although all he wanted was to hear her voice. Suddenly, Joe groaned in annoyance after glancing at his phone, running his hands through his thinning hair as he sighed. "I don't wanna be a jackass but - you remember we're filming Murray's punishment today right? Sal just text to make sure we're on board", he asked awkwardly.