Walking Fragile Lines

The Hardest Thing

Liv's 12 week scan had come around fast and she felt like the whole situation hadn't even hit her properly yet. She didn't feel like she was going to give birth in 6 months time and she still didn't really know how she felt about this pregnancy altogether. Abortion wasn't something Liv was against in general, but she had always swore it was something she would never put herself through and she was going to stand by that. When she and Brian had spoken about having another baby, she truly was open to the idea, and in her heart, she knew it was an idea she was still open to, she just ached over the timing.

Liv sat in the waiting room at the hospital. Her appointment with the OBGYN was in 5 minutes and Brian still hadn't arrived 15 minutes before like he told her he would. Liv grew annoyed pretty quickly as she sat watching the hands of the clock on a nearby wall. After everything, she really thought he would at least try a little harder, and yet here she was; now 2 minutes away from their baby's first scan and he hadn't even let her know he was running late. And then, with only a minute to spare, Brian quickly rushed into the waiting room, catching his breath as he approached her.

"I'm so sorry", he panted. "Our meeting ran over and traffic was insane!", he explained. Liv didn't want to hear his excuses. She really didn't care for them.

"Whatever. You're here now", she shrugged.

"Mrs Quinn?", the OBGYN called her name as she smiled sweetly in the doorway. Liv got up out of her seat, closely followed by Brian, as they made their way into the room. "I assume you must be Dad?", she asked, offering a handshake to Brian, who nodded silently as he shook her hand. "Okay Mom, go ahead and get comfortable for me and lift up your shirt", she smiled at Liv. Liv already hated this woman. Applying the cool gel to her bare skin, the OBGYN began to scan Liv's abdomen as she kept her eyes firmly on the screen in front of her.

"I forgot how nerve wracking this was", Brian chuckled nervously as he watched the screen intently. But Liv didn't respond. She just wanted to see her baby, know everything was okay and go home.

"Now, from your notes I see that you had placenta previa during your last pregnancy?", the OBGYN asked.

"Yes", Liv answered nervously.

"Well, I'm pleased to say everything looks completely normal here", she smiled brightly as she began to turn the screen towards them. "And there's your baby", she said. Liv's heart fluttered at the sight. It was something she knew she would never get used to.

"Wow", Brian said breathlessly. And suddenly, his hand met hers. Liv didn't flinch or move, she allowed him to hold her hand as she watched the screen in awe herself, shaking every negative thought that tried to enter her mind. Nothing could ever beat the feeling of seeing your baby for the very first time.

"Everything looks absolutely fine so I'll print a couple of pictures for you and you can both be on your way", the OBGYN smiled.

The ride back home was deafeningly silent. Liv caught a ride with Brian, who had insisted on driving her home since her car was having work done. She stared out of the window silently and she thought through the appointment she had just had. It shouldn't have been that way. When Brian's hand met hers, it should've added to the warmth she felt, but it didn't. In fact, all it had done was make her focus on her baby even more as she felt her heart beginning to ache, and her mind beginning to wander. Is this what every potentially sweet encounter with Brian was going to lead to now? Imagining him with another woman? Tormenting herself with the image of him doing things to her that he would only do with Liv? She couldn't stand it. She had hoped this pregnancy would wipe the slate clean for them. That she would be able to move on and be with the man she loved without a problem. But this proved something to Liv. Something she was so desperate wasn't true, and now she knew what she had to do.