The Journey

The Otherside (Grandma)

"I want Bear Ga'ma, I want Bear."

I looked at my beautiful Lilise, and thought about Theodore Bear and wondered again at the name.
How a mother could name her child Theodore with a name like Bear as a surname was inconceivable to me, surely it was a dare that should never have been had.
It was no wonder the dear man preferred to be called Bear.
I pushed my silly thoughts aside and looked to the little girl next to me.

"Soon my Lily-pet", I said to my wilful cherubic granddaughter.

She stomped her foot... as I knew she would ...and prepared herself for what looked to be an almighty blow-out... it was quickly averted by the gimlet eye all mothers perfect at conception... if not soon after our first introduction.

She quietened-- albeit grudgingly. I sighed, that child was all me, and very little her mother. My stomach quavered.

"Will we see Mama and Bear soon Ga'ma?" I smiled at their name for me, no-one had ever corrected them, they'd grow up soon enough, no need to rush matters.

I looked down into the identical face of my hell-kitten grandchild, at Belle- my other granddaughter.

Where Lilise was fiery temperament, my little Bellissa was a calm ocean...she was her mother's daughter, serenity personified. I squeezed her hand gently and prepared for the mist to finally clear.

"We'll see them soon pet." I said and squelched the rise of grief that wanted to bow me.

The mist cleared and we saw the world again, were a part of it... even if only a little.

I could almost feel Belle's excitement.
I felt the same.

"He's there Ga'ma," she squealed, "he's there."

And he was.

Our Bear... my daughter's salvation, my granddaughter's light... hero...for such a short time, the man who should have fathered them-
not that bloody-

not...

that...

my mind hazed.

I couldn't think about him-
their biological father, I couldn't think about what he'd done; what he'd taken...

I wouldn't think about it.

I looked around for my girl, I couldn't see her. She wasn't there, but Bear was, so we watched and waited as he bought their drinks, seeming a little lost himself.
He'd lost weight, didn't quite seem like the Bear we knew, he looked sad but determined, and his body looked stronger as though he'd hit the gym everyday to deal with his grief.

Lilise tried to run to him, but I stopped her, she didn't quite understand what had happened to us. Belle did.
Belle knew, the sad little smile she gave me as I held fast to Lilise's hand told me that she remembered it all... that she understood it all, my heart fell, but I kept quiet. I knew she would too.
He smiled kindly at the waitress who had obviously just made a pass at him and kept walking with the tray in hand.

I'd see her soon, my little girl, my baby, my gift to the world.
I fought down the sob, that wanted to rise.

We hadn't seen her in months, not since that day...
due to settling-in and re-adjustment issues.

Who would have thought that the afterlife would be to organised, rigid and regulated.

Bear walked into their compartment, we followed... and there she was- mysweet Anise, my star, beautiful and broken.
I again fought down the turbulence, but allowed the tears to track my cheeks.
Belle drew closer to me and Lilise stopped tugging on my arm and did the same.
We watched unseen as Bear placed her on his lap and cradle her.
"She's so sad,"
Lilise said, her small body quivering.

"Yes she is, my Sweet".

"But Bear will make her better."

I had to smile at that, because my sweet Bellissa was right, Bear would make it better... if there was any such thing as better in a situation like this.

I wanted to hold her. But if I couldn't then it had to be him.

I heard him all those times praying for my baby to change her mind and let him in, come back to him- even whilst comforting and sharing in her grief, barely coping with his own, fighting back the guilt that he hadn't been there to protect.

As though he could have been in two places at once...
I do wish that he could have been though-
I really do.

Because hearing her ask for the strength to carry on... to start again, was nearly my undoing.
She had more strength than she actually knew but she'd know soon enough that strength was surrounding her and ready or not, her new beginning had already begun.

A little of the constant ache disappeared and I breathed a sigh of relief.

"Can we cuddle them too?" Lilise whispered reverently.

"Yes my pets."

And we did, engulfing them both with our peace.

The End