Amy tugged on my sleeve, leading me through the store to a display of knitted sweaters, similar to those that Christian frequently sported.
"This one," She declared, holding up an unflattering baby pink sweater at least two sizes small for her. I discreetly guided her towards a blue one instead and she smiled, before heading off to the changing rooms to try it on. I knew it would still be too small...she was definitely more than a size four, but I refrained from saying anything; Amy was prone to being a drama queen at the slightest criticism. I chose this opportunity to dump the lunch my mother had packed me in the trash, wiping my hands free of that particular burden. Practically the only reason I agreed to come into town with Amy was because I could be free of my mother's ever watchful gaze and eat, or not eat in my case, without feeling like she was watching my every move. Amy returned from the changing rooms with a frown marring her pretty features.
"Doesn't fit," She said sadly, clutching at her stomach. "I'm getting really concerned about my weight," She confided. Yeah, but not worried enough to stop eating, I couldn't help but think.
"You're beautiful the way you are!" I said fakely, ushering her over to where a mannequin stood, a tight black dress hanging loosely on her slight frame.
"This would look fabulous on you, Amz."
"You think?" She rubbed the material between her thumb and forefinger, considering trying it on.
"You really don't even need to try it on, I already know it'll look insane on you. Look it's even the right size, a four!" I lied, thrusting a size eight into her arms, making sure to conceal the label from view. I was used to doing things like this, making my friends feel better about their weight...even when I was disgusted by how fat I was. I arched my back, stretching it. After an hour long run this morning, I felt light and empty...I felt in control. I loved it. With a smile, I hooked a size two off a hanger and, almost skipped, into the changing rooms to try it on...marvelling at the way it hung off my body. This positive judgement of my body lasted for approximately two seconds. You're still not a size zero, that niggling voice at the back of my brain, teased. I tore off the dress, standing in front of the mirror in nothing but my underwear. Hot tears burned beneath my eyelids. I was hideous. everything about me was fat and ugly; from my gapless thighs to my straggly hair. I turned away, fighting the urge to vomit. I knew it would be a waste...I hadn't eaten anything today, and I was trying to fight this urge to purge. Not eating completely was a much healthier way to lose quickly, without jeapordising your health [I KNOW THAT THIS IS COMPLETELY UNTRUE AND IF YOU OR ANYONE YOU KNOW IS GOING THROUGH ANYTHING SIMILAR TO THIS, THEN I URGE YOU TO SEEK HELP AS NOT EATING IS VERY DANGEROUS AND CAN RESULT IN SERIOUS HEALTH PROBLEMS AND ULTIMATELY ORGAN FAILURE]. I exited the changing room and handed the dress back to the shop assistant, smiling sweetly.
"Much too big for me...you should really consider getting in some stock that the more slight girls can fit into." I said, raising an eyebrow and looking her up and down slowly. Her cheeks burned as she fumbled to put the dress back onto the hanger. I turned my back on her and stalked away, fuming.
"Found anything you like?" Amy asked. I shook my head.
"Nope. Let's try another store, one that doesn't have mirrors that accentuate my curves." I demanded, taking the lead and glancing back only briefly to confirm that she was following me. She was, of course. After another hour of trying on dresses that confirmed my obesity, Amy began to complain of 'starvation' and sat down to eat a tuna and mayo sandwich. I tried to contain my disgust.
"You shouldn't eat that, do you have any idea how many calories there are in mayonnaise?" I snapped. Amy looked up at me, then back down at her sandwich.
"Oh," She said softly, before trashing her lunch and forcing a smile. "I'll never lose weight if I don't start cutting back." She said with determination. I grinned, but couldn't help but feel bad for doing that to her. I didn't want her to be like me, to be constantly thinking about food. But most of all, I didn't want her to lose more weight that me, selfish as it sounds.
