We Make Mayhem [boyxboy]

Noah's Blog Post

www.shiraad.com

The Jig is Up

If you're reading this, the jig is up. It was good fun while it lasted, but the whole story is too delicious not to share, and it finally got to the point where I doubted anyone would ever catch on. If I didn't blow the lid off the whole thing, no one would.

So here's the tea: Shiraad, the top-rated restaurant in Vancouver on Yelp, Google Reviews, and TripAdvisor, with glowing reviews from Vancouver Foodie Weekly, the Georgia Straight, and Daily Dose Vancouver, is fake. Completely fabricated. Unreal. Nonexistent. It is an unrestaurant.

It's called "Shiraad," for God's sake. Say that out loud.

I got the idea last summer, when my family and I were in Vancouver on vacation. I was bored, just my little siblings to entertain me. I was wondering about the idea's limits—if it even had any. Could I merely suggest something and get others to treat it as if it was real? Could I do it without detection? And how long could I do it for? I asked myself those questions for two weeks before I finally did it.

I took pictures of food made by my family's longtime chef and "sets" immitating the interior of a trendy restaurant. I uploaded them to profiles on Instagram and Yelp. I called it Shiraad, wrote a menu full of pretentious bullshit (with the help of said chef... thanks, Chef P) and designed a minimalist aesthetic for the website and social media accounts. I listed the address as "confidential," and put "by reservation only" instead of hours of operation. I bought a burner phone and listed that number on all the sites. I asked a few friends to write rave reviews, and voila.

When I answered the burner phone—and I rarely did—I always told the callers we were completely booked for the next six months. But my friends were writing reviews, so it looked like someone was getting in, and I knew that was all it would take. Very quickly, other reviews started popping up, from people I didn't know.

"The peach cilantro salad was divine! Service was excellent. Love the atmosphere. Five stars!"

"Beautiful place. I had to book months ahead, but it was so worth it."

"Incredible food, well worth the wait to get a reservation. I feel like I'm in on the best kept secret in Vancouver."

You goddamn phonies. Holden Caulfield would have some harsh words for you all. I might have expected it from clout-chasing influencers, but I didn't expect the foremost food critics in the city to get in on it. Michelle Fuentes, Ryan Starkey, Matthew F. McFarlane... such illustrious names. You couldn't stand to be excluded, could you? All these rubes on Yelp were somehow getting into this uber-exclusive eatery, but you, with your glossy magazine features and columns in national newspapers, were left out.

So you lied. Everyone lied, but your lies were made to be read. You wanted everyone to think you had the inside scoop. You knew people would click on your article about the place everyone was just dying to get into. So you colluded. You made shit up, and you made sure it was consistent. You guys made Shiraad what it was. All I did was set the stage—you guys named the house wine, invented the artwork hanging in the bathroom, and conjured up Jean-Luc, the pansexual, polyamorous maître d'.

It was fun for a while, but exposing the whole game will be far more fun than running it. I haven't even published this post and I'm already giddy.

RIP, Shiraad. You served your purpose admirably.

—Noah Lord