Walked Away...Sort of...

Chapter 17

Just a little update...Iv'e been lousy on updates like forever but hey at least you get to read it now. 

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I been awake all night, not a wink of sleep but rather tears bursting out of my eyes every ten minutes. Right when I think I'm fine, I start to cry again. I can't go through this, Im in love, I have happiness yet sorrow at the same. Drake's been in and out  of the lab getting shots and getting CAT scans all night;I'm worried. I don't want to let him go. I just got what I always wanted and I wasn't going to let it go so easily. I have spent the last two years hating this wonderful boy who has only been aggravated as a charade. 

Yesterday after the doctor left looking confused and I just sat here crying, he came and gave me such a big embrace. 

" I can't, I can't. I want you, I want to be here with you forever. I just can't go now." I kept crying into his soft body. 

He didn't say a word; he knew he couldn't appose to me. I was right. He just wrapped his arms tighter against me and slowly gave me kisses on my forehead. 

He was getting skinner and fragile everyday. The medicine definitely wasn't working. I was afraid that he would die on me, that he would leave me alone in this cruel world. That he along with everyone else would abandon me. I wanted to be loved, appreciated, and to project love. But how can I if he died? I would never trust anyone or love anyone anymore. It would be over for me. I would die just to be with him for eternity. 

"Babe, Im going to get better. I will make it through, just watch me. Stop worrying about me, I can worry for myself, I don't want you to be suffering for something that is happening to me. "

"I'm sorry but I can't help it. I love you, I love you like Iv'e never loved anyone else in my life. My heart basically pumps blood for you, I wouldn't even be alive if I didn't love you so much." I ended softly. 

"What!??!! You was going to kill yourself ? Don't tell me, you were. I wouldn't stand myself, I wouldv'e gone with you."

"Yeah....my "Family" was..being so....mean to me. Along with everyone else who constantly harasses me...it wasn't fair. I believed that this life wasn't worth my time and...I still do. I would have preferred death over enduring all the troubles being brought upon me constantly. I couldn't stand it and maybe I still can't." I had totally let everything out without realizing it.

Oh shit..what did I just do. I told myself. 

He sat there. Mouth opened, a tear down his cheek and pain eyes. I wanted him to say something, anything but he just dropped his head and began weeping. That was something I would have never expected. This was a new Drake, I have never seen him cry, ever. 

I knew I shouldv'e controlled my mouth. Every time I hurt someone it would be because of my big mouth. Look where it has gotten me!  In a hospital with no guardian and now I hurt my only support left;my boyfriend. 

I loved him with everything in me and this is how I thanked him, by blabbing away like I always do. I'm just a horrible person. Now then ever I actually believe that this life isn't meant to be for me. 

But with all this dying subject runing through I mind I decided to sit down closer to him while he took his time to stop crying and hugged him with all my might. 

"Ouch" he spoke painfully.

"I'm sorry." I spoke quickly. 

I really was hurting him. I just hurt people, this is what I do. I really hated when I did this. I not only had hurt him emotionally, now I was hurting him physically too. What in the world is wrong with me?!

I just wanted to lay in bed and die in my sleep, maybe then he wouldn't have to be hurt by me anymore and everyone would be able to just live happier lives. 

As I started to think about dying this way, I started to enjoy the idea of dying in my sleep. It was an easy way for him not to get hurt, I could get away from this horrible feeling I have in my heart and the doctors wont even have to notice, they did take off my heart monitor, so no one would know. But there was still something bothering me; Drake. He was still crying into my lap, he could barely look into my eyes without I wanting to tear up because of the pain in the eyes. But no, I had to do it. It was better than saying goodbye to him and then jumping off the building.

This plan was going to work.

I just started to hold Drake closer to me and tried to remember this moment for later when this whole world wouldn't have to see me anyone. I just wanted to remember how he looked, how he smiled, how he held me, how his sweet words would soothe me, but most importantly I needed to remember this moment. This moment would motivate me to end this later on.

The pain, the broken heart he held right now and the amount of pain expressed on his face. That would help me kill myself later on.  

Everything would be over soon and he would be happier. He would be better off without me. He would get better. I said to myself as I stared down at him.

Oh Drake, how much love I hold inside for you but all I'm doing is hurting you. I have to go .I thought to myself.  

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I am not trying to encourage suicide in this chapter so please don't try it. It only brings pain to everyone around you. Thanks for reading. Please leave a comment, vote , share it with your friends and fan me. Thank you.