Trying

Chapter One

Staying up late with a quilt in a cold room always made me feel oddly superior to the world buzzing on around. Like here I am, shattered but alive. The lights of passing cars, flashing behind buildings, distracted me, and I sat with my book open, but not read. Normally I would hate being so withdrawn from the fantasy worlds, but today was different. Today I needed to let my mind wander.

I hugged my knees to my chest, abandoning the book entirely, and pressed closer to the cold glass. There was something I loved about the cold. It startles me awake and keeps me there; I can better comprehend my messes.

My current mess. It seemed like Garret had come out of nowhere, and taken the reins for my entire life. I had never been the type to fantasize about having a boyfriend. Absolutely hated the girls that constantly talked about boys as if they were a different, dominant race. Which is why I had begun to hate myself. I had let myself be one of those girls, and look at where it had gotten me.

I was past crying at this point. Hours had already been spent quivering in tears, and I'd become numb as a defense mechanism. Since I had distanced myself from my emotions, I could think clearly about the direction my life was headed. I often frowned.

And the stupid part was that they hadn't even been together. They hadn't kissed, they hadn't confessed feeling for each other, they hadn't even flirted. I had fallen for him, and hated every second of it, but enjoyed it in a dramatic sort of way, like it was building up to something. That was until he started dating Lindsey.

It was the hope. Why had I been born so optimistic? It crushed her every time something went wrong. This time I wasn't sure I'd bounce back.

The cold wasn't doing it's job anymore, and I had started to slip into unconsciousness. Sometimes sleep felt better than living. The only thing keeping her from resting 24/7 was books, and her writing.

Knocking on the window startled me awake. Mom was standing on the snowy front porch, waiting for the door to be unlocked. She worked the night shift at a bank downtown. The building was beautiful, Mom said, but the people were corrupt.

"Emily, did you fall asleep reading? Honestly, I don't know why we bother to heat your room," she greets. Once her coat is put away in the closet, she brings me in for a returned hug. She doesn't know what has happened, but she knows her daughter is upset.

"Everything will work itself out, Em," she coos like only mothers can. "You've got the best grades in your class, and you're getting a scholarship to Michigan. You're a beautiful, kind girl, and anybody would be lucky to have you, Em."

All of those things she said were good to hear, but they never made the pain lesser.

"I'm gonna miss the bus," I say, pulling back and rubbing at my tired eyes. The previous few weeks I had spent so long in my appearance in the mornings. Today, I barely wanted to comb my hair, much less take the time to style it.

My homework wasn't done, but I could probably just do it on the bus. School was less of a place for learning and more of a place for memorizing useless facts and socializing/avoiding people.

After throwing on a change of clothes and brushing through my bed head, I grabbed some poptarts and my backpack and walked to the bus stop on the corner. My bus driver was a nice old man, like many bus drivers were, and I gave him some sort of gift card every year for Christmas, so he had the bus parked and waiting for me.

"Thanks," I said hurriedly, then tried to find an empty seat. Back when my neighbors were my friends (and not absolute assholes), I used to sit with this girl named Marie. Now Marie gets picked up by her idiotic boyfriend and consequently never talks to me. There aren't any seats open, so I sit next to a tiny freshman girl with earbuds in and a book open. She doesn't seem bothered, and I unpack my math book as the bus starts again.