Trying

Chapter Five

People are like stars. (I know it's kind of an over-used metaphor, but it's accurate.) Some are noticed often and out-shine others. Many are born, but do not become noticeable until years later, after others' brightness have died out. Some are never seen, but blaze brighter and bigger than any famous person.

Then there was me. I was a star that was both unnoticed and lacking in shine. Completely and positively uninteresting to anyone I had ever known before.

And Iain, whose greatness extended across galaxies, was taking interest in me. He was giving some of his supernova to me, to expand mine.

Nobody had ever done this for me before. Not even Garret had cared so much about me in a non-mandatory way. Garret's star, which radiated excessively, was never broken for others, yet I, and many others that have known Garret, have invested so much of our own energy into him.

Late Friday night, while laying awake and feeling sorry about myself, I realized it. Garret wasn't the sun. Garret was a black hole. And it wasn't too late for me to escape his suction. If I could just avoid him enough, I could break away permanently.

My plan was easier said than done, and this occurred to me on Monday morning before Spanish. Garret was suddenly interested in why I was sitting at a different table than him, still oblivious to everything I had felt about him. Everything I still feel about him. My crush on him was screaming to be heard among the loud, self-degrading thoughts from the screwed up mind of yours truly. Even after I had determined that Garret was a terrible person, the feelings lingered, like inescapable gravity when I just wanted to soar.

"I just want to give you your space," I fibbed a quick excuse, and as soon as I said it, I knew he wasn't letting me get away with it.

"I don't need space. How are you doing, Em?"

"Fine." Great, now I'll start rolling out the one-syllable answers. It's my third line of defense, after sarcasm and shutting people out.

Garret took a deep breath before asking concernedly, "Are you dating that guy?"

I could swear my entire chest collapsed into me stomach. Some part of me knew that this was wrong, that I was getting caught in the black hole, but it was muffled by the joy of... he wants me.

"No, Iain's a friend," I respond, then cringe at how enthusiastic it sounds.

"Cool," Garret replies with a crooked smile I think might just change things between us. As if his smile confirmed that he would break up with Lindsy and profess his undying love for me.

I hang onto that thought and let it warm me as I drift through the day, only to run into a ceiling during study hall. The ceiling, of course, was Lindsy lip-locked with Garret. It's like I'm a piece of shattered glass, especially after the building hope I'd stupidly experienced all morning. And God, was I an idiot for thinking maybe things could change. Life isn't like fiction.

I'm able to grab the bathroom pass before anyone sees the tears, and I shuffle out the door without a sound, biting my lip to make sure of that. The halls are still crowded from the passing period rush. My self-insults run through my head once again, which only works me up further, until I'm on the verge of another panic attack. I can feel it coming, like I'm driving a car off a cliff. I brace for impact, swinging into the nearest janitor closet and down to the floor before I remember it.

Breathe in. 1. 2. 3. 4.

Hold.

Breath out.

Again.

Focus on his voice.

You're fine.

I'm fine.

I settle on the floor and relax my muscles as my heartbeat thrums back to a metronomic beat. I have to remember to thank Iain for that tip.