You Know That Right?

How it Started

        I had just graduated high school, I felt so mature and ready to conquer what our elders referred to as: the real world. I began my first semester of college as a full time student, member of the cheerleading squad and also balancing two jobs. My life took itself into a tailspin. I would wake up every day with the same question racing through my mind, “what am I doing to myself?” There was no need for such pressure in my life. My family was always supportive, my friends were just as there for me as any one, but I felt something missing. This gaping hole which captivated my worries into a tornado of angst.

Growing up in southern California was thought of as “paradise” for most out of staters. For me it felt like torture. The girls were viciously spoiled and weren't afraid to show it. I was very talented at making myself seem on top. Even though I didn't have the designer clothes or the three story mansion, they still feared me. They didn’t fear my style or what I drove to school, however they feared the way I held myself- as if nothing or nobody could touch me. I felt some kind of rush in knowing people were afraid of me. I built the highest wall I could so no one would be able to see my flaws.

        The boys fawned over me and the girls wanted to be me. I would never let them in. I would never let them see who they thought was so coveted. I was nothing but talk. I never let the boys do more than make out with me and I never let the girls know that. I would kiss a lot of boys. It came off in a way that read: easy. Little did they know, I was the exact opposite. I was actually terrified of letting anyone in, even horny 16 year old boys. No one would know the real me. That’s how I protected myself from them. I hid myself in everything I said and everything I did. What I’m most afraid of is if I pretended for so long that it actually became real. I became a deep seeded mean individual with nothing to offer.

        My grades began to suffer and eventually the boys got bored of a tease. I was able to keep my front long enough to find people who actually didn’t care how many guys I hadn’t slept with yet. I was the only one in my close circle of friends who’d graduated a virgin. Most people claimed it was something to be proud of. I resented it.