Warning this chapter can be trigging to some. If you do not like reading sad things please do not read this.
Simons pov
After another session of mind blowing sex I move closer to Amanda and wrap my arms around her to hold her, but just like every other time she pushes ne away as hard as can and moves further away from me, "You need to go before anyone finds out what we are doing here" Amanda says not even turning to face me, "I know" I sigh getting off her bed and putting on my clothes that are scattered around her hotel room with a dull pain in my chest. "Bye love" I said kissing her forehead before quickly sneaking out her room before she can say anything. Once I made it into my own hotel room I stripped down into my boxers and climbed into bed thinking about my situation with Amanda, I know she is married and that's why we cant date and no one can know that we have sex almost every night of auditions except for when Chris tags along obviously but what I don't understand is how she can be so affectionate with me in front of other people and while we are having sex but as soon as people are gone or we aren't having sex its like I don't existed to her, she pushes me away, tells me to leave or just walks away every time I try to hug her, I want to end this affair I have with her because it hurts so much to know that she doesn't care for me the way I do for her but I'm scared that by ending it I will end any relationship I have with her.
After auditions the next day
I walked back to my dressing room to gather my stuff and go back to the hotel, hoping that Amanda wasn't in the mood, but to my dismay she was because she walked into my dressing room with that smile that says she wants it, "Meet me at my room again tonight" She said before walking away not even waiting to hear what I wanted to say, I sighed quietly to myself as I walked out my dressing with no feeling besides that small almost unnoticeable pain in my chest, that same pain I've for nearly two months now
As I walk down the hallway I walk right past her room and to my own not in the mood to do anything but sleep or drink at the moment. Once I got in my room I walked to the mini fridge and got out a bottle of whiskey and started to drink it while I sat on the couch in the dark, "Simon, you were supposed to come into my room" Amanda said as she walked into my room interrupting my self-loathing and drinking, "Why does it matter?" I sighed, "I wanted to fuck and you're a good fuck" Amanda said sitting next to me and taking the bottle out of my hands, "Are you okay?" She asked touching my shoulder like she actually cared about me "Is that all I am to you? A good fuck?" I asked trying to get the bottle back, "Well no, you are almost my friend" Amanda said softly, "But nothing more?" I asked feeling the pain get stronger, "Simon you know I love Chris and only Chris" Amanda said, "Then why? Why sleep with me and not him?" I asked trying not to cry, "Because you are here and he isn't and when we do it I don't have to worry about waking up my kids or make sure that you are satisfied because I don't actually care whether you cum or not" Amanda said taking what was left of me and ripping it to pieces, "Get out" I said shakily, "Come on Simon, don't be like this" Amanda said touching my arm, "Please just leave me alone" I whispered as the tears started to roll, "Simon, you knew why we had sex from the beginning so why is this upsetting you?" Amanda asked confused, "Because I love you!" I shouted getting off the couch and running to the elevator at the end of the hallway, "Simon wait!" Amanda shouted chasing after me but before she could catch up the doors closed and the lift started going up to the roof. I got out the elevator when I reached the roof and walked to the edge to get a view of Manchester and calm down but as I got closer the more I wanted to jump and just end the constant pain I was in, "Simon!" I heard Amanda, Alesha and David shout as I climbed onto the ledge, "I told you to leave me alone" I said looking directly at Amanda and ignoring the others, "Please come to us and move away from there" Amanda said looking close to tears, "What's the point?" I asked looking down to the floor just a step and fall away, "Please, we don't want you to get hurt" Alesha said walking closer with David, "come any closer and I'll jump" I warned knowing that if they got close they would pull me back, they both stopped immediately, "Simon please don't" Amanda cried, "Oh now you care about me or is it just because these two are here" I spat, "Of course I care about you, I love you" Amanda cried slowly moving towards me, when she got closer she opened her arms as an invitation to go there and hug her, I made a move to go over to her but shook my head instead figuring out that it was just another attempt to get me down, "No you don't" I said, as soon as I said that I guess they all gave up trying to talk me down or figured out that I was about to jump because they all ran to me, but they weren't fast enough because by the time the reached the edge I had already jumped and before they could scream for me I was on the floor as the world around me got dark.
1 month later
Amanda's pov
After Simon jumped off that roof the auditions were cancelled and I got a divorce from Chris because as much as pretended to love him I didn't, the only person I really loved was Simon and I should've let him know instead of pushing him away and not letting him hold me or just holding him myself because now he is dead because I was to scared to get hurt by him, "Thank you for coming Amanda" Nicholas said shakily as I walked into the private venue for his brothers funeral, "I'm sorry for your lose Nick" I whispered tearfully as I looked into his red tear filled eyes, he just nodded trying to give me a small smile but finding himself unable to as he walked away to join his wife in the corner of the room, I looked around and found the bgt gang all sat down in their respective seats together waiting for the service to begin, I walked over to them quietly trying to block out the people crying around me as I walked so I could avoid crying, "Hey Manda" Stephen said sounding far off from the normally cheerful man he was, "Hi" I whispered sitting next to the group, I felt Alesha pull me into a hug as a greeting, after exchanging greetings with everyone the service began. In the middle of Simon's mums speech about her son I turned to Alesha and saw that she along with everyone in the group were crying, hard, "This is all my fault" I cried softly to her, "No its not, we tried to save but he just didn't want to be saved" Alesha whispered through her tears, I cried silently knowing that if he just knew how I really felt about him, Julie wouldn't be struggling to talk about her son while sobbing, his family wouldn't be crying in the front row of seats for their brother and uncle, his best friends like Paula Abdul, Ryan Seacrest and Randy Jackson wouldn't be here also mourning the loss of their best friend and I wouldn't be here missing the love of my life.
